So it seems so many of us are realizing we are reactive communicators and that we spin big time after mind reading and negative thinking. So, our journey continues...
I absolutely love and need to know that others are in a similar situation as I am. It's comforting and makes me feel like less of a freak. Thanks for making me feel normal with my reactivity and negative mind reading! Now, let this thread be the end of it for all of us!
BTW, The book How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It is a helpful and fascinating read. So much of its points ring true and I'm ashamed to admit that the NUMBER ONE WORST THING a woman can do to a man is shame him and that is precisely why I am in this situation. Man, I did everything wrong. Let's hope there's an opportunity to redeem myself.
Its good you are able to realize where you may have gone wrong in in your M. Just remember it fell apart because of actions, or inaction from the two of you. So do not beat yourself up!
Keep up the good PMA and GAL!
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
Yep. We can only work on our half. If our WAS's choose to reconcile, they will have a ton of work to do, too. We will surely have a long way to go, too, but I think we would all be in a better place to walk the path. If they don't, then our next lucky spouses (God willing) will get a much better version of us.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
I agree - HTIYMWTAI is an enlightening read though it made me feel sick to the stomach to read at times. I too felt shame that I contributed to this dynamic in our M. I'm so frustrated that I didn't find these books before things fell off the deep end. As you say Ss, all we can do is hope that we can get another shot at this as our new enlightened selves.
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
It's frustrating to not have known these books exist or known they were so full of wisdom but I personally believe I was in absolutely no state to read these books without overwhelming resentment over having to do all the work. I was SO hung up on that and sometimes even now find myself frustrated by that fact.
It's one thing to realize our past faults but quite another to be ruled and defined by them. I choose to see them for what they were and add more value to my efforts to change, be more aware, empathize and stop shaming. Looking forward is all we can do.
The past is the past. That doesn't mean we can't be genuinely sorry for it and recognize our contribution to the pain in our spouse and ourselves but we can't change what was. We can only change how we handle ourselves in the future.
Yes, Old Dog, BUT HTIYMWTAI has SO much more. Being different isn't news. It's much more intense than that.
Not to belittle Men are from Mars, but this book advises a lot more than "look for your wife when you come home from work" or "don't eat a big meal when you go on a date so you aren't too tired or too full for continued romance".
It's frustrating to not have known these books exist or known they were so full of wisdom but I personally believe I was in absolutely no state to read these books without overwhelming resentment over having to do all the work. I was SO hung up on that and sometimes even now find myself frustrated by that fact.
It's one thing to realize our past faults but quite another to be ruled and defined by them. I choose to see them for what they were and add more value to my efforts to change, be more aware, empathize and stop shaming. Looking forward is all we can do.
The past is the past. That doesn't mean we can't be genuinely sorry for it and recognize our contribution to the pain in our spouse and ourselves but we can't change what was. We can only change how we handle ourselves in the future.
We can do that, ganb8te. We really can.
I totally empathize with your frustrations. I would literally give my right leg to have read and believed all of these books 4 years ago, or even 1 year ago. I don't think I'd be in this spot if I had. BUT I also don't think I would have really gained anything from them if someone had forced me to read them. I thought I was the perfect husband. It took this hard dose of reality to show me that that was definitely not the case.
Quick question - Do you all think HTIYMWTAI is intended exclusively for women? I've never read it, but the summaries and reviews seem to be how to get through to men. Even if it is, I'm sure I could learn from it. Thoughts?
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
Ok, I've not eaten all day and I'm having a glass of wine so stick with me... I can't guarantee that what I have to say will be profound but it's big in my head.
Being separated is not fun but I will say this. There's strange freedom in not having H around and it has taken me a while to figure that out. I have removed ALL clutter from the counters in the kitchen. There are NEVER dirty dishes in the sink.
On a whim I bought houseplants today because we haven't had any since before D was born. I like them. I mean, I'm not green thumb gardener but I like live things in a room plus the ones I bought help clean the air and since the A/C is always on, it's nice to have some freshness in the room.
The manager at the nursery was very flirtatious and gave me two plants for free (hey, it pays to be female some times). I don't wear a ring so when I gave him my membership card and my H's name came up on the computer I said, "oh that's my husband" he said, "Oh man! You're married?! You don't wear a ring!" I just smiled. Then as he was loading my car with my purchases he talked about his wife. WHAT!? You have a wife?! What is wrong with these people?! Ugh!
Anyway, planted my plants, rearranged some things, poured a glass of wine and here I sit. Life isn't bad. Granted, I'm the one who lives in the big house while H is in his apartment but he chose that, right?
My point is, I've read 1,000 pages this week about marriage and relationships and shame and fear and trust, and studies and research and I'm taking the night OFF from working on ME and my semi-marriage.
It's frustrating to not have known these books exist or known they were so full of wisdom but I personally believe I was in absolutely no state to read these books without overwhelming resentment over having to do all the work. I was SO hung up on that and sometimes even now find myself frustrated by that fact.
It's one thing to realize our past faults but quite another to be ruled and defined by them. I choose to see them for what they were and add more value to my efforts to change, be more aware, empathize and stop shaming. Looking forward is all we can do.
The past is the past. That doesn't mean we can't be genuinely sorry for it and recognize our contribution to the pain in our spouse and ourselves but we can't change what was. We can only change how we handle ourselves in the future.
We can do that, ganb8te. We really can.
I totally empathize with your frustrations. I would literally give my right leg to have read and believed all of these books 4 years ago, or even 1 year ago. I don't think I'd be in this spot if I had. BUT I also don't think I would have really gained anything from them if someone had forced me to read them. I thought I was the perfect husband. It took this hard dose of reality to show me that that was definitely not the case.
Quick question - Do you all think HTIYMWTAI is intended exclusively for women? I've never read it, but the summaries and reviews seem to be how to get through to men. Even if it is, I'm sure I could learn from it. Thoughts?
It is likely written mostly for women because we're usually the ones who are the relationship temperature takers. I've read that in a few books actually.
I don't think that means you shouldn't read it. I'd love to know if it rings true for men. Not that you should read it just for me, it could be very insightful for you. I'm not at that part yet but there are chapters directly written for men (one is entitled: The Worst Thing A Man Does To A Woman). For the cost of a paperback book, I'd read ALL of them if they helped at all. That's just me though.
