Yeah I have to start re-reading a few books I think ... the NMMNG, 5LL , and the DL ... just to stay fresh and focused, and like a movie you watch for the second time you start noticing little things, and we all know a little thing can be a HUGE discovery!
So ... I no longer have to worry about the move, but its like God needed me to have these feelsing all over again, not as intense .. but all that anger I had from my M breaking apart and me having to scramble for a place to live, trying to keep the family dog, and give S a nice place for the 50% of the time I have him ... all those feelings came back, along with the reasons why. I had thought it was because we were fighting, assumed we would take a break, sort it out, move back together ... little did I know about the OM, then to discover its the MLC issue. .... I just am struggling with it, thank goodness I have IC next week ... I really thought I was passed it, things were looking up and now its me tossing fuel into this blaze of emotions ..... I have been good about not blowing up, but its not helping me.
So W picked up S yesterday at soccer practice, I was short with her, she asked why the other coach said he "hoped" to see me at the game (I never miss games or practices) .... I told her I have work and my headaches are back. She started in on me seeing the other Dr (I have the info and am in the process of setting up an appt) ... I told her she did not have to worry, and in frustration I did the little comment ... about me not being her problem anymore (Abandonment issues on my part ... delaing with her leaving me, and going through this medical thing alone isnt helping). She got upset and started her spew game, I calmly told her I was not going to stand and be yelled at and I left ... (As she screamed "Walk away its all you ever do" ... ummmm no .. that was you was it not)
So it was not a great exchange, but I did not lose my temper or engage, she later TM me saying "Of course I worry about you, Please don't tell me not to. I wish you'd call the Dr, Please" Then its been quiet since.... seen her at the game, she was on the other side of the field (Showed up late as usual and probably embarrassed when she realized she was on the other teams side line ... who knows) After the game I walked towards her with S and told him goodbye, and I would see him later ... she said something that gave me the impression we all 3 would do something and I quickly told her after I finished at work I could take him ... basically not wanting to be together without saying it out right.
I just feel I need to hold onto this no fake family time, I see her using me as a crutch and cake eating. Then I am torn to be there for her too .. but its hard right now till I can get a grip on my own emotions ... it will come .. just not today.
