New here, my fairytale gone wrong

[fthnluv]

I woke up with the feeling of dread again this morning, in a nightmare that I again realize is real life. Lately, I often wake up at night and dread going to sleep again. For me, trying to fall asleep has always been hard. When I slow down like that I think. Right now, the last thing I want to do is think because I know I'll think of H and OW and what H has done to my life.

I went to bed after praying for God to give me a sign of which direction to go. To let go and move on as if we will never reconcile, knowing that He has an even better plan for me or to stand, for as long as it takes, with hope that H and I can one day reconcile and come out even better. As I was going to bed and about to watch some TV (to keep my mind from thinking) the channel that was already on happened to be playing the movie Pure Country. It just happened to be the part where George Strait is singing the words to "I Cross My Heart" which is the song we played for each other at our wedding ceremony. I'm not sure what to make of that. Is it a sign from God? Is it a crazy coincidence? Why, if it is a coincidence, did it have to be that song, which meant so much to us? I realize that there are going to be many (almost all) things that will remind me of him, I have been with H for my entire adult life, but did it have to be the very most personal thing?

My in-laws have the kids for the weekend, because they can see that I am weak and need a break. It is both welcome and very lonely. I don't feel like doing anything, even showering and getting myself made up and dressed. I don't feel like laying on the couch and watching TV because nearly all TV reminds me of H or what we no longer have. I don't feel like going anywhere. I don't want to obsess on MLC sites or reading books about MLC. It's like I want so badly to escape it but dwelling within it is somehow comfort too. As if, if I can blame all of this on MLC it won't hurt me so bad, I won't take it so personally. Then I find myself wondering: Is it really MLC? Even though it appears all the signs are there.

I imagine this is all normal. It just [censored]...big time!