The gift of this process is that if you do it right (introspection and hard work), you become aware of how you feel and how you act, and how to find balance in life. I remember when Wonka first got here, and she's put in the time and effort to understand how to be authentic. And by authentic I mean true to how you feel without projecting and taking the sting or perception of punishment when stating those feelings. It can be a tightrope.
I've also met many people along the way who have traveled the path you described. Some have very contentious R's with their former spouses. Some call a truce. And some manage to find a mutually respectable path that works for the parties involved. But the ones I know who have felt at peace share one thing in common: they choose to take the higher road at all times. It doesn't mean negating how you feel. It just means putting aside those feelings to act in a manner that is more loving.
I have a really good friend IRL who I met here long ago. Two days after their D was final, her XH got remarried and the OW was already pregnant. She felt ill and wasn't sure how she was going to navigate. But the path became crystal clear when her now S21 came to her very anxious. He has always been her protector - the man of the house - though she never cast him in that role. It was a role he felt was his. Anyway, he was tearful and told her how he was torn. Torn because the baby was proof of his father's infidelity and lies, but the flip side was that the baby would be his sibling, and he felt it wasn't his problem that his parents were complete a*holes. Then she knew. And she told her son that she wanted him to love his sibling.
This little boy is now 8 and very sad. His parents are still self absorbed a*holes. Last year, her kids picked up their little brother to do something with him, and brought him home for dinner (Mom had long ago accepted this kiddo.) He sat down at their table and told them that he wished he was their real brother and that he wanted to come live with them. Her heart broke into a million pieces. And she told him that he was always welcome in her house.
I'll tell you that it just made her R with her kids all the tighter. They see their mom as the total rock star she is. She's now an empty nester and finding out more about what that means to her. She's one of the most balanced people I know.
So what I can say to any of you here is that if you completely focus on the person you *want* to become, the answers are always there. My personal choice is to periodically ask what I'd want people to etch on my tombstone. It kinda keeps me focused on that path. I'd want my kids to really and truly feel that I was their rock star in a tough situation.
And yet, here I am. I started dating last year (not this year, LOL), and after a very, very long hiatus from these boards, came back to sort things through with the others down in our world. There seems to be some unplanned insecurity with that process. Go figure. This year, I don't have any bandwidth for dating, so I'm just around to learn from everyone else. Our kids all seem to be about the same ages now, and I can learn from them. Plus it gives us the chance to coach some folks here who need a little support and wisdom from having traveled the path too.
Good luck!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
