Please realize that we're circling our wagons around you and giving you support to AID you in becoming unstuck. Yes, some nuggets of wisdom may have wounded you because they struck a deep emotional chord within you. And it appears that you're not liking the process too much. No?
We all are on your side in getting you to a place of forward movement. That is our intent here...I am sure others may share that same view.
Now...on to your posts.
Originally Posted By: Matt
I also see that yes, I'm being "judgmental". Loaded word there, no? I did many things over the years that I wouldn't have because I had made an agreement with this person (that I trusted totally) to be there for her. I made decisions that are now hurting me because I trusted that my W wouldn't just up and leave for ANY reason..I "expected" her to live up to her end of our agreements. Not only that, she is acting in ways that are childish, hurtful to many others not just me and selfish in an extreme way. I find that to be wrong for so many reasons. So, yes, you are right, I'm being judgmental. I think that what she is doing is wrong because she made a pact not just with me but with God on the day we got M and made promises. We both VOWED to God, that we would act in certain ways and she has broken that pact.
I sense that deep in the recess of your being you're really ANGRY with the fact that your dreams having a long marriage with W have been horribly dashed into a million sliver shards lying on the floor. Innocence is lost forever.
Let me share a bit about my thought process right after Ms. Wonka moved out of the marital home. I was a tight ball of RAGE and blamed Ms. Wonka for a long time that she shattered my heart and my dreams along with it. It took me a long, long time to get to the place of compassion and recognizing that Ms. Wonka was really hurt by my MLC chit that she sought refuge elsewhere.
Here I am. I worked my butt off on the forgiveness gift. I did it for ME. I wanted to be free of that simmering, quiet anger that held onto a long list of resentments for shattering my fairy tale. Hey..I was supposed to be the Cinderella who found her Princess and they lived on "happily ever."
When that 'expectation' did not take place as planned, I was shattered and devastated. It took a bunch of people here in DBland to guide me toward the realization that I can either continue to imprison myself or set myself free.
Guess what I did?
Yes. I set myself free through compassion, patience, and empathy for Ms. Wonka coupled with forgiveness.
Matt, it is readily apparent that you are not yet at that place. I guess people process their emotions at a difference pace than others.
We want you to get to the place of happiness instead of being mired in resentment and anger. Trust us...it's so much better that way!
Originally Posted By: Matt
At the same time, I also know that she is, like you say, "confused, scared and really stressed out" but she is those things because of her own choices. (OK, I know she didn't choose to be in crisis. She didn't choose to have a MLC but ....) She expects to be able to come through this D without ANY major sacrifice but at the same time expects me to make them in her place. She also "expects" me to still be there and take care of her D14 even when she has custody. OK, so she is not in her "right mind". Well, at times I really start to think "Maybe this is who she is". Maybe I was just blind to the truth and was used for all this time and as soon as she saw a way to still get what she wants from me but not have to do anything she figured "why not?".
^^ That's a lot of mind reading, Matt. You just DON'T know what W is thinking unless you ask her DIRECTLY. You really don't have a choice in how W behaves. It is within her realm of responsibility. Consequences are not taught by the LBS but "Life" or Lady Karma will do the work on the WAS...especially the MLCer.
Step back and let Lady Karma do her work on W. It's not your job, Matt.
Originally Posted By: Matt
I think that what happens is when I feel like she is being punitive in the D settlement or acts out, I start to lose any empathy about the fact that she is in a crisis that she didn't ask for. What I need to work on is this more than anything else. I am so tired of the struggle and I just am having trouble seeing what my W is doing as anything but her choosing to be hurtful. Doing it "too" me. Being purposely hurtful. I'm supposed to "respect" her choices but at the same time see that she isn't doing theses things to hurt others, or even stop because she should see that is what is happening? I'm having a hard time with that.
Your W thinks of herself as a separated woman and a single person. So she acts accordingly. She's not being punitive when she's instructed her lawyers to draft up a document asking for the Moon knowing that it will ensue negotiations between the two of you until a final agreement has been hashed out. That is what the v. is for between the parties.
W DOES NOT want to stay married to you at all. There's no way around it. That's the irrefutable fact that you must accept or continue staying stuck. It's your choice.
Matt, I lost my beautiful marital home, furnishings, and split monies with Ms. Wonka. It was a freakin' painful process for me (and many DBers here as well).
Guess what? I survived it all!
Still standing on my own two feet with a hot girl and acquired some really neat interests such as taking up golf!
