I am gonna go out on a limb here, and say that you are afraid that if you make too much progress, and go too far in the direction of YOU.... That you are afraid that she will never come and look for you, and that you will have moved too far ahead of her, and she won't/can't keep up...
Yes .. I think that might be it, Even through this whole thing I have mentally let her go on 3-4 occasions, things happened that either I was not sure I could get over/forgive (then I learned forgiving is for me not her) .... anyways, she would do a little cry for help, would see I was moving on and would get me atleast to stop walking away.
Originally Posted By: Mach1
And to answer that, you have to be TOTALLY honest with yourself...
Do you love her ?? Did you ever love her ??
How do you define love ??
What does it really mean to you ??
What did your actions say ??
Did they match your words ??
Do I love her, have I ever .... Yes I do, and still do. I have accepted that the past few years have not been wonderful, but I always look at her and still think like I did years ago ... "That's my girl and the one I will grow old with." Its been so hard watching her go through the medical issues, the mental issues, knowing I can only do so much, I handled alot of things wrong but looking back, I also handled alot of things right.
Originally Posted By: Mach1
Also, please go easy on yourself here too....
Question ....
Have you read the 5 love languages ???
I have read the 5LL , opened up alot for me and made me realize my language has not been filled for a long time, and I thought I was filling hers but was actually thinking it was the same as mine, that opened my eyes quite a bit.
Cali, I don't believe I've posted to you before, but I've been following your sitch. I'm sorry you are here, but you really have an amazing group to support you, on this board.
Moving forward scares the bleep out of me. The concept feels counterintuitive. I want my M. I want my H. Moving forward sounds like moving away....but it isn't.
I'm not where I need to be, but I know where I'm headed.
Regardless of H, I know I have to get "whole" for myself.
If H comes back, comes out of the fog, becomes whole himself, I will be prepared for a healthy, successful, peaceful M going forward.
If H doesn't, I will be prepared for a healthy, successful, peaceful life going forward.
One thing someone posted....is that by becoming whole yourself, you will likely be far ahead of your W with relationship skills, thus, outgrowing her. But, you may have the opportunity to decide if you want to mentor her, allowing her to catch up, and demonstrating how....should that happen. That's the thought that pushes me most.
I wanted to let you know I can relate to what you are going through, and I am cheering you on from the side, Cali.
Thank you so much for adding in
I do relate to not wanting to leave her in the fog, I do feel scared of moving to far forward to the point she can not find me, yeah ... I admit .. that does hit spot on. I do feel I need to be that lighthouse, the rock, steady as I can but I also know its me exposed to the elements and sooner or later I will erode like a cliff near the pounding ocean waves. I have made a good deal of progress ... its been nearly a year since we separated ... who knows how long since she started MLC ... and heaven knows how much longer she has to go ... I have seen some progress .... but I also question what will be left of her when she comes out of it.
I would like to thank you all for your input and words ... its not easy looking in the mirror ... it [censored]. So much easier to slap them with a MLC, WAW, and focus on them and what they are doing .. I know the DB way is what we can do ... its a great reminder ... Thank you all .. seriously.
I have read the 5LL , opened up alot for me and made me realize my language has not been filled for a long time, and I thought I was filling hers but was actually thinking it was the same as mine, that opened my eyes quite a bit.
Something that I always recommend....
Read it again...
The first time is usually a "how I F'ed this up" guide
I have read the 5LL , opened up alot for me and made me realize my language has not been filled for a long time, and I thought I was filling hers but was actually thinking it was the same as mine, that opened my eyes quite a bit.
Something that I always recommend....
Read it again...
The first time is usually a "how I F'ed this up" guide The second time is very powerful...for YOU
^^^^ Bold^^^^^
I got it (5LL). I didn't get very far. It is too painful to think that I didn't do it right. I guess the point of the second read helps knowing that it was a 2 way street?
Seems like you are doing the work, Cali. That what matters most now. (I guess ^^ shows I still have a lot to face myself. Well.... that's no secret.) Keep it up. This part is about you now.
Ok ... So a small update, I think sometimes these are just more to get my thoughts out and down. I do go back and read my own sitch just to see if I am trapped in a cycle, or am actually making any headway.
So yesterday was pretty quiet, S called W last night at bed time, she sounded down .. understandably. She TM at 1:30 in the morning asking if I was awake, she couldn't sleep and was feeling anxious. I told her to deep breath through her nose and think of the howler monkeys (Its from our honeymoon we took in Costa Rica, its her happy place and me telling her to breathe and go there usually calms her down, normally I would hold her during this time ... but that's about as good as I can do).
So I dropped off S, I was guarded but pleasant, I told her S needed to change since it was Friday and she did not give me the proper uni, I also needed his sports gear for practice today... but I was understanding she would have forgotten all this with everything going on. She asked if I was feeling ok and I said I was fine, I asked her how she was doing, she at that point almost broke down and came in for a hug. Sometimes I feel like I should refuse these, couldn't this time as I know she is hurting ... but its only when she is hurting that she comes to me like this, I know the MLCrs say some horrible things, and for the most part I have let many of those go .. .but a few are still there in my head and the hurt follows. So I left after the hug, I felt indifferent about it .. usually a hug is that thing that keeps me holding on for a few days.
So all was quiet ... I was swamped at work, she TM asking how my day was .. only to follow it up with wanting to take S on a play-date with a couple of his friends. I replied about an hour later that it would be fine if she took S. She then asked if she could talk to me ... so I call her up, she asked about our dog, then talked a bit about S .. nothing really that I could understand a phone call for .. so I asked how she was, she was sad, down, we talked a bit and she seemed a little better but then started in on me about something trivial, then we started a minor little fight, I did not lose my cool but I did say a few things ... she says my tone scares her and started twisting things I said .. I called her out on it, told her its not fiar she twists things and rewrites our history and conversations, I also said its unfair to always force me to use the soft voice, I was not yelling but I was firm. I also said at sometime she had to give a little back, ... in any relationship. I am frustrated and I know I pushed maybe to much at a bad time .. I am just exhausted of being used anytime she feels the need and then she just discards me ... I need to stick at that boundary and not allow her to move it when she needs
Hang in there CaliGuy! It is always a difficult sitch when both of you are on the emotional rollercoaster. Trying to properly act to her ups and downs while managing your own is draining. I'm right there with you. I think (at least in my situation) that the WAW somewhere deep inside really wants the M to work out but they are unhappy, confused and lost. They throw you a bone (a hug, kiss, smile etc.) because they don't want you to drop the rope. That gives us a little hope but then they say or do something that crushes it.
M 43 W 43 D 6 D2 B-dropped 7/2014 W rented apartment 8/4/2014
I don't know, Caliguy, I think you did pretty good. You want to be friendly, treat her like a sister who is going through a hard time, right? That's what my DB coach said to me. It looks like that's what you did.
A hug can be warranted, and you said you didn't read that much into the hug, so you are in the right place to be, mentally. You set boundaries about what you expect during a respectful convo. So it sounds good to me.
M:54, H:55 T:33, M:27 12/13 BD: EA 01/14 BD: PA, H leaves 03/14 H & OW break up 05/14 H says he will file for D 08/14 H initiates D 09/14 H wants to R 12/14 Still bungling our way through R
