Ok ... So a small update, I think sometimes these are just more to get my thoughts out and down. I do go back and read my own sitch just to see if I am trapped in a cycle, or am actually making any headway.
So yesterday was pretty quiet, S called W last night at bed time, she sounded down .. understandably. She TM at 1:30 in the morning asking if I was awake, she couldn't sleep and was feeling anxious. I told her to deep breath through her nose and think of the howler monkeys (Its from our honeymoon we took in Costa Rica, its her happy place and me telling her to breathe and go there usually calms her down, normally I would hold her during this time ... but that's about as good as I can do).
So I dropped off S, I was guarded but pleasant, I told her S needed to change since it was Friday and she did not give me the proper uni, I also needed his sports gear for practice today... but I was understanding she would have forgotten all this with everything going on. She asked if I was feeling ok and I said I was fine, I asked her how she was doing, she at that point almost broke down and came in for a hug. Sometimes I feel like I should refuse these, couldn't this time as I know she is hurting ... but its only when she is hurting that she comes to me like this, I know the MLCrs say some horrible things, and for the most part I have let many of those go .. .but a few are still there in my head and the hurt follows. So I left after the hug, I felt indifferent about it .. usually a hug is that thing that keeps me holding on for a few days.
So all was quiet ... I was swamped at work, she TM asking how my day was .. only to follow it up with wanting to take S on a play-date with a couple of his friends. I replied about an hour later that it would be fine if she took S. She then asked if she could talk to me ... so I call her up, she asked about our dog, then talked a bit about S .. nothing really that I could understand a phone call for .. so I asked how she was, she was sad, down, we talked a bit and she seemed a little better but then started in on me about something trivial, then we started a minor little fight, I did not lose my cool but I did say a few things ... she says my tone scares her and started twisting things I said .. I called her out on it, told her its not fiar she twists things and rewrites our history and conversations, I also said its unfair to always force me to use the soft voice, I was not yelling but I was firm. I also said at sometime she had to give a little back, ... in any relationship. I am frustrated and I know I pushed maybe to much at a bad time .. I am just exhausted of being used anytime she feels the need and then she just discards me ... I need to stick at that boundary and not allow her to move it when she needs
