Wife Still in MLC but has now left #4

[ericmsant2]

Matt

You’re welcome.

MLC is worse. Period. Some may disagree with the notion of MLC. Personally, because I believe they think of it as ONLY a Mid Life Crisis (i.e. over 40, red sports car, etc.) when in reality I think of it more as a life crisis, which broadly defined (at least by me) is something in someone’s life that just “flips” and so they really and truly change. That said, regardless of MLC or not, the approach should still be the same. Mirror work, self improvement, letting go of the anger, clear boundaries and just becoming an overall better person.

One of the most important things I learned in my time here was…….

Chit happens. Sometime people are in your life for a season…sometimes for many seasons…. Sometime you choose them and sometimes…they choose you.

Another important tidbit and something that to this day I still struggle with….is CONTROL. Not just having it per se…but also ACCEPTING just how little of it you really have in ANY relationship. Be it your spouse, child, parents, friends, co workers. “LOVING DETACHEMENT” is a term often thrown around and used IMO, as a weapon instead of what it REALLY is intend to do.

I think more than anything else, in the end, we as people can only count on a very few people. We choose these people for different reasons and over time we start to let our guard down and REALLY trust that this small core group of people are the ones you KNOW you can trust. In turn you try as hard as you can to be trustworthy in return. You go out of your way for them, sacrifice for them because you really honestly believe with every fiber of your being that this person is one of the few you KNOW will never hurt you, never "turn" on you.

Stop for a second…and read your quote above. Read it slowly. Consider what I mentioned above.

1) Your W is treating you like dog doo doo and really trying to screw you. Right? OR is it that she really is just batchit crazy and knows no better. Maybe she never did. Maybe she never really learned what trust is. Maybe she watched you for a long time, followed your lead and then one day realized that she did not understand why she followed you in the beginning. Guess what Matt? That is NOT your fault and maybe in her case it is not hers either. FTR, I am not saying that you hand over your finances and walk away with your tail between your legs so that she “feels” better. NOPE. What I am trying to convey is that compassion can help you overcome your anger but in order to be compassionate you will need to try and consider just how f*cked up she is right now. It should not change how you protect yourself (even if that means you stop talking to her completely) but it will help with the anger.

2) “try as hard as you can for (put in whatever word you want here)” – Matt, stop for a second, is that HER that makes YOU try as hard as you can? NO. it was and will always be you. YOU control YOU. Period. Quick story……my daughter who is 13 – has stopped really talking to me. She is angry. She is…well a teenager. Is it fair that I blame HER for how I FEEL? I mean….I could right? I could be pissy and tell her because she is being a PITA that I feel bad. I am….after all JUSTIFIED. RIGHT? IMO, I am wrong. My daughter as much as I love her (FTR, I would do anything for her)…..cannot blame her for how I FEEL. I CHOOSE to ALLOW it. I CHOOSE how I deal with her. She does not know any better. She is a child. I am the one who needs to lead her. I am the one that will determine if I allow her chit to really get to me. Matt, it is not easy brother – not easy at all. The only way to get better is to finally stand up and recognize that YOU own your feeling – no one else. Just YOU. So Matt, why not say F it and choose to be happy?


[quoteOf this core group your spouse is the one you trust the most. More than any other and when seemingly in the blink of an eye all that changes and they become the person who is MOST hurting you, the least "trustworthy" person in your life, it has a profound effect on you. You go through all sorts of emotions from hurt to embarrassment that you were "taken" by the one person you KNEW you could count on. You look back at all the things that you could have done if not for the fact that you didn't want to cause any upset to this person or because they "needed" you and wonder how they could do this.[/quote]
Matt, believe it or not….many of the people who post to you know how you feel. I know I do. We all dealt with this on some level. My ex became someone that is just about unrecognizable. She (exact quote from my son)…”wanted to destroy you”. As a matter a fact in someways she still does. So is that a reflection on me? NO. Does it make her “bad”? NO. Does it make her immoral? NO. What it does…..is tell me that she is someone I would not want to deal with on any level. Can you see the small difference?

Matt this is hard chit dude. It WILL change you. That I have no doubt about. HOW though it changes you depends on YOU.

Stay angry and bitter

Or

Choose to become the man you really want to be….

Me….I choose honor, respect, love, compassion – I’m still a work in progress…always will be. I am far from perfect. Far. I love me though….love the man that I am, imperfections and all. Wanna know why?


Caused I allowed people to push me – I pushed myself as far as I could. I woke up every morning (some days were better than others) and said…I want to be the best me and the best me is NOT a victim. NOT angry. Yep…this crap happen. Yep…in some ways I got screwed. Yep.

BUT

It will not change me….

I control ME

I control how I feel and no one….not ex, not kids, not my boss, not my family, not my future wife….. NO ONE….controls how I feel.

a lot to think about and important to actually accomplish

Take your time bro….take your time. When you are ready….there will be people here to help…to challenge…to love…they will be here…just come open and ready for work. As I used to say….bring your shovel and your hard hat – so they real work can begin.

Your future Matt is what you make it! IMO, you are at the fork in the road….which path do you choose? Anger OR peace.

Choose the path….and then trust that others will guide you. Believe it or not….your W just as she is today is a teacher. She can dude, teach you that what and who she is today…is not who YOU want to be.

God Bless,