Walk away partner after 22 years . First post

[25yearsmlc]

South,

Rppfl has some good suggestions.

Every teenager I've raised (i'm only on my 3rd) and every niece or nephew of mine (and there are literally 27) was the same way or close to it, as your son is.

IF I recall correctly, our older d did things faster than the others, but what I most recall is our son and our youngest D - Not helping without being told SEVERAL times first, and often not even then.

No, It's not that they are "lying" when they promise to do X and then don't.
I think they BELIEVE they "will get to it LATER" but then time passes and a distraction arises or then, oops, they didn't get to it.

My point is this is a normal problem of people that age, but the reaction from you and the way you two are handling it as parents, is NOT normal (or healthy).
Sounds adversarial, as if You are not on the same team.

Plus, remember...your wife knows your son is around but she chose to ask You for some reason. Maybe she has a good reason.

Maybe she wants to do X with you, and not with your son, OR
maybe she thinks he won't do a good enough job OR
maybe it bothers her to see you not helping her when she also works outside the home, and you seem to be choosing not to help.

IF I were your wife (or son) I bet I'd be tempted to say "h/dad is a hypocrite. He doesn't do anything around the house, and when i/mom asks him to help out - the FIRST thing out of dad's mouth is him trying to get son/me to do it for him"

I'm not saying that^^ is reality. I'm saying it may be their perspective. So don't play right into it.

Your wife's requests OF YOU, probably should be kept between you two, and separate from your requests of the kids. Seems like that would reduce SOME of these conflicts.

Of course at a deeper level I think there is more going on...don't you?

With YOUR son, at the age of 18, & still at home, do you think he has some depressive issues?

(BTW, Is he done with high school? What is his plan?)

Lately, you said your 17 y/o D is having physiological symptoms of panic attacks.

Since she has seen the damage those attacks can do if left untreated, (i.e. seeing your attacks, and the marriage issues & how many years you "checked out" of the marriage/family), etc

maybe that's making her more upset than she would be with "just" a simple diagnosis of panic attacks.

She knows what might be around the corner for her and she is really truly in a panic mode now...
Wow, when you think about it, that's really being caught between a rock and a hard place.

Although the 5 Love Languages book is often recommended reading for people here, for their spouses, it probably would help to know other's love languages too. Do you give your son many "words of affirmation"? Maybe that's a love language of his, to receive love. Your thoughts?

What do you "know" about your son today? Can you describe him for us?
The father son relationship is a big one in men's lives. How was your R with your dad?

Anyway, I hope you will try to see these interactions as opportunities for you to show your growth and changes...b/c the alternative to that feels pretty lousy.

So, back to YOU and your GAL and 180s...what's new?

Seriously, are you doing ANY new GAL things?

Are you meeting any new people, people who do Not know about your marital situation -- so you can have an evening free of trauma/drama?

I sure do recommend it. Keep on keeping on...