A week later she started up a conversation that grew into an argument no yelling on my part, a lot on hers, I validated as much as I could.
Okay, so she's yelling at you and......you are validating her? Why? Do you validate other people who get into a screaming fit toward? Listen Nit, yelling at a spouse is disrespectful behavior. That is not the time to validate, IMO. There is a time and place for everything.
To me, it sounds as if you are confused about when to use some of the DB do's & don'ts. So this is what I suggest at the moment.
1. Start seeing yourself as a free, self-confident, strong male who commands respect from those he interacts with face to face. 2. Have an attitude (or pretend to yourself) and act as if this house is YOUR home and she is only an older lady who is staying at your house temporarily. Measure your actions and interactions according to the image of her being temp boarder. 3. Stop walking on eggshells. It is not saving the M. Relax and be yourself. 4. Stop waiting and watching for her to make changes, or for her to suddenly announce she wants to work on the M.....or when you get to have "the talk". 5. Drop all emotional ropes you have tied to her. Stop telling her that you two can still work on the M. It is pursuit. 6. Do not link her or the M to your needs at this time. She is a boarder. 7. Stop trying some gimmick, hoping it will get a positive response from her. 8. Move forward in your actions, attitude, etc. without her........for now. 9. Be polite and show respectful behavior to her. When she says or acts disrespectful when she is in your presence at home, you deal with it right then. You are trying to control her life. She is living in your home and you will not tolerate ANYONE showing outward disrespect to you in your own house. 10. Stop doormat tactics. It is extremely unattractive and it is NOT the DBing way. 11. Figure out your personal boundaries. Figure out, now, what you will do then if one is broken by your W. Boundaries are set to protect something of yours that is valuable. Research some boundary information on the Internet. Short articles, etc.
Quote:
I have admittedly been a doormat in a lot of our interactions. This is where I get confused. I want to keep the road home paved and smooth but I also can't let it be at the cost of my dignity or self-respect.
Well, just as some men misinterpret DBing for doormat tactics, they can misinterpret the meaning of keeping the road home paved smooth. What fool would be attracted to a man who had no dignity? It always blows my mind when a man thinks this is what women want in the male species! If you had been that way when she first met you, there would not have been a wedding (unless she had ulterior motives). Women want men to act like men. If a 180 means, to you, that you stop acting like a man.......then it's not a 180 to implement. See what I mean?
I believe you need to stop explaining to your W what you are doing, your intentions, your wishes, etc. b/c it does not help the cause. Stop talking about the M, R, S, D, or the past. Just let it go. You should be in full swing of the LRT.
Some of the things you mentioned, (transparancy, etc.) are steps to be used later....if their is reconciliation. It is not for the present time. I think you are "getting the cart before the horse " with some things and it can sure cause one to be confused.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!