afraid I have waited too long #4

[sandi2]

I need to ask a few questions if you don't mind so I make sure I understand what you are saying.

Okay.

Sandi, I thought that one of the main points of DBing was to work on yourself and try and not let what the WAS does affect you? I have made a choice to work on myself for myself. I believe I know some of my part in the failing of my M and have set out to
work on this to become a better H. For instance, not yelling at, bullying, demeaning, or demanding it be done my way or no way. This is towards everyone not just my W.

So what are you asking me?

I won't live in an open M, but my W has to want to work on things before I can talk about the steps I will need to feel "safe" in trying to revive our R correct?

Are you asking me if this is a correct descision or step or if it is correct DBing......or if I agree with it? Not sure what you are asking me and I want to answer you the best I know how. So I will just give my thoughts on what you've said in the post, ok?

I think many men fall between the DB cracks trying to find balance between his old behavior and the changes he is trying to make in himself. If he was short tempered, controlling, self-centered, etc.......then he often goes completely to the other extreme and be begins acting submissive to whatever his W says/does. He is scared of her leaving so badly that the fear overtakes his thinking and behavior. He lays downs and become whatever she wants at theat moment.......a cat to kick, a doormat to wipe her feet, an erran boy, housekeeper, cash cow, ..........(you get the picture). If or when he does say something, it sounds like a whipped pup who is scared of his master. In other words, his attempts are too weak and come across to her that you've lost your masculinity. A WAW in an A will feel disgust for a man who will not take charge of his own situation and stand up to her and talk like a man.....instead of teenage girl. Women can handle any man who talks and acts like another female who is weaker than she is. However, when a male stands inches from her face (looking eyeball to eyeball) and uses an authoritive voice to confront her disrespect, she will have a different reaction.

The strong woman who has ruling the MR will probably scream/yell/ throw a fit.....whatever, when the H stands up to her. But if he won't back down and tuck his tail between his legs, she will eventually respect him for taking a stand against her disrespect. Oh, she won't tell you that she respects it .....but she does. Right then, she's just mad and trying to get the upper hand, but deep down in her soul, she will respect a man who will not tolerate her cr@p treatment of him.

You will not gain your WAW's admiration/love without her first respecting you. You can't make another person admire you or feel love, but you certainly can onfluence respectful behavior from those who live in your house! A man can earn respect by the way he uses his voice when he speaks. Not by yelling.....not by threatening......not by loosing his cool......none of that stuff. A man can speak with a certain "power" or "take charge" "authoritative" sound that can draw a natural inner response within the other person......especially women b/c (I believe, b/c of how most of us are wired). You teach others how to treat you. You have been teaching her she can cheat and rub your nose in it (washing OM's clothes in your home) and you do nothing. This your home! You have a right to be treated with a certain degree of outward respect. I say "outward" b/c we can't make another person feel something within their self. See the difference? First comes the outward, then the feelings will catch up.

admit I should have said something the very first time I discovered this but I didn't. When I used to get angry in the M I didn't handle it correctly. I wouldn't stay on point and would bring up past issues that I knew were very hurtful to my W. Since the S I have tried to keep our argument in the "fight fair" arena.

The past is over and it does no good to bring it up when we get upset. The best way, I believe, is handle the issues when it first occurs. If you don't then it sits in your mind and grows into deep resentment. That resentment comes forth when you get angry and drag up the past. Why not nip it in the bud? Same principal when we are raising kids. We have to deal with the issue when it occurs and not continue to bring it up every time they do another offense.

I really need help I guess because maybe you are correct when saying the things I consider DBing really aren't or they won't work.

Not necessarily. I think maybe you are just confused.

I'll start another post to finish. Do not want it edited b/c of length.