Now you see, Wonka, I disagree with many of the things you wrote as I read them. Others I disagreed with at first glance but as I thought about them, I could see the point you were trying to make and understand what you were trying to tell me. You were never (really) insulting or did you make broad assumptions about things that you really have no way of knowing. Definitely you're not "hand holding" but at the same time you aren't attacking my entire life.
I get that I "expect" certain things, not only from my W but from the world in general. I expect that the person driving beside me stay in their lane and not cross the yellow lines and smash into my car. Now if someone wants to do this or even does it because they "felt" they had to, it doesn't make it right nor does it mean that if they damage my car or hurt me or my passengers, that they shouldn't be held accountable for the damage they cause.
Far from a "small box" of a definition of "wife and mother" mine was a very LARGE box. It included pretty much anything my W wanted to do as long as she, in the end, was still a part of the family. That she was willing to work towards a common goal, didn't intentionally hurt me or the girls. Let's be really "real" here. In every M, every partnership, every part of society, there are certain agreed upon "expectations". They are different for everyone. In most M's, it's NOT ok to have sex with someone else. It's a "deal breaker". Now, one S may stray and the other may "forgive", but for the most part each person in the M knows and has agreed that you don't do that. These "expectations" change as time passes and as circumstances change and the M partners talk about what it is that they NOW feel is the right way to handle certain aspects of the M from raising the kids to how each spends their own time. When one person goes against these agreed upon things it isn't "wrong" for the other to feel "betrayed" since it went against what BOTH had agreed to. No one is locked into any part of this agreement either. They can at any time change the parameters. The S's talk it over and come to a new set of what is ok or not ok. That happened many times over the years in my M. If my W ever wanted to change something that I couldn't live with (or the other way around) and we couldn't come to a new agreement, than that's a reason to leave the M.
No, I don't see that my W should have run away sooner. Far from my being angry just because I "don't like" what she is doing or how she is acting, she is actively hurting me and others. She is EXPECTING everyone around her to just agree that what SHE is doing is, no matter that it is hurting others, the "right" thing and if they don't, it's OK to act out against them. She made the decision to leave AFTER making agreements and MY doing things that, if she wanted to go, I wouldn't have done (from getting a vasectomy to cashing in my retirement fund). Not years after, WEEKS after. If she wanted something different she should have talked about it, told me what it was that she felt she needed from the M and worked it out. Instead I got the usual "bomb" drop and nonsense "reasons". I really don't think I would be nearly as angry if she had made any attempt to right the 20 year M she decided to throw away just weeks after saying she would never do that, after years of saying that she wouldn't just quit. Yes, "expectations" again but I guess I disagree that expectations are somehow wrong just on the face
As far as stopping my W from doing things like taking items from my home when I wasn't there...I DID go to my lawyer. He filed an order that said she CAN'T do that but my W ignored that. I guess I could have had her held in contempt but wouldn't that be even more "punishing"? The legal safeguards WERE in place but were ignored (one of the reasons I'm angry!). So, yes, I do "blame" her.
I also see that yes, I'm being "judgmental". Loaded word there, no? I did many things over the years that I wouldn't have because I had made an agreement with this person (that I trusted totally) to be there for her. I made decisions that are now hurting me because I trusted that my W wouldn't just up and leave for ANY reason..I "expected" her to live up to her end of our agreements. Not only that, she is acting in ways that are childish, hurtful to many others not just me and selfish in an extreme way. I find that to be wrong for so many reasons. So, yes, you are right, I'm being judgmental. I think that what she is doing is wrong because she made a pact not just with me but with God on the day we got M and made promises. We both VOWED to God, that we would act in certain ways and she has broken that pact.
At the same time, I also know that she is, like you say, "confused, scared and really stressed out" but she is those things because of her own choices. (OK, I know she didn't choose to be in crisis. She didn't choose to have a MLC but ....) She expects to be able to come through this D without ANY major sacrifice but at the same time expects me to make them in her place. She also "expects" me to still be there and take care of her D14 even when she has custody. OK, so she is not in her "right mind". Well, at times I really start to think "Maybe this is who she is". Maybe I was just blind to the truth and was used for all this time and as soon as she saw a way to still get what she wants from me but not have to do anything she figured "why not?".
I don't care if I smell like "roses" on here or not. No one here knows me really. I try to be as honest as I can about the sitch and what is going on and how "I" see it. Besides, from the last days posts I'm definitely NOT coming off smelling well at all.
I think that what happens is when I feel like she is being punitive in the D settlement or acts out, I start to lose any empathy about the fact that she is in a crisis that she didn't ask for. What I need to work on is this more than anything else. I am so tired of the struggle and I just am having trouble seeing what my W is doing as anything but her choosing to be hurtful. Doing it "too" me. Being purposely hurtful. I'm supposed to "respect" her choices but at the same time see that she isn't doing theses things to hurt others, or even stop because she should see that is what is happening? I'm having a hard time with that.
This all started because I posted that I was going to fight for what I believe is right and "fair" in my D settlement. I still am going to do that. I have to for my own sake. I won't be "unfair" or punitive but I also won't allow her to take me to the cleaners either. You have given me much to think about. I will by the way. Just because I tell you how I see what you have said doesn't mean I can't change as I mull it over. Thanks for taking the time Wonka.
