In limbo, need to figure out next steps (thread #5

[shodan]

Onguard

Totally agree with snooping. It is getting me no where but just angry and emotional, which is my #1 issue with detaching.

I spoke with my DB coach yesterday, who continued to offer the same/similar advice
- don' t talk about the A, the texting, etc.
- Don't care where she is or what she is doing. She needs to believe that I am letting go.
- stop being controlling in any way. She knows my boundaries, so there is no need to repeat them. Repeating them seems controlling to my W.
- continue to ask myself...is what I am doing or about to do going to help me towards my goal?
- Get out of my own head...when things trigger emotions, I need to walk away, take deep breaths, call someone, meditate, etc.
- stop being consumed and obsessed with what she is doing. I cannot control her. I only can control myself.
- Remember that she is not in her right mind

She had recommended that when my W wants to connect that I allow it to happen and have fun. I said that is my #1 problem. I pull back, she tries to engage, we have fun and then I am no longer detached and start to form expectations. And then she crushes me again by doing her secret texting, telling lies, etc.

I know my W needs space. And I need space too. In a way, I wish she would move out and we would separate. It should allow the both of us to grow and determine what we want. Right now I am not sure that I want this M to work. She has treated me so poorly these past few months. The lies, the secrets, the cheating, etc. When we have discussed D, she says she is not moving out. So if we do get to that point, I doubt this will be an easy process.

I need to GAL and detach for myself. Not to win her back. To heal myself and allow me to move on. It is really hard to do that when she is here.

I think I have been looking for positive signs to justify that perhaps she is "coming back". In reality, she will be back when she says she wants to work on the M and provides full transparency. Until that point, it is all a shell game. I am looking for more activities to do that allow me to not be home when she is here. Of course, I need to balance that with being here for my kids, whom I love dearly. Weekends are the toughest b/c all of my friends are married and spend their weekends with their families.