still waiting

[bdub]

Lisa,

I wonder if there is more at play here than just laundry.....

[SunnyB]

There could be several reasons he doesnt ask about your private life. 1) because its private. 2) he is more detached than you at this time 3) he "assumes" he knows whats going on 4) he just flat doesnt care 5) He is afraid of what he might find.

I'm pretty sure in my case, my H just flat doesn't care. Not that I'm off doing piles of mysterious things, but on the occasions I do, he doesn't ask any questions whatsoever. He's been this way since BD, not asking about my day, about anything I attend, about friends, even about kid events that I attend but he doesn't. Not. One. Question.

[claire7]

Rppfl, that sounds like mind reading. You don't know why he doesn't ask.

(Mine doesn't either...and I don't think it's because he doesn't care. I don't ask about his life... It doesn't mean that I don't care about it!)

[bdub]

I wonder if maybe the WAS doesnt ask about your private life because they dont want to be asked about theirs?

[SunnyB]

Rppfl, that sounds like mind reading. You don't know why he doesn't ask.

Claire, you are quite correct. Thank you for that.

[Ahoy]

I wonder the same bdub! And truly, I don't want to know what sketchy things he's been up to, as it would just hurt me to know. I know it's pointless mind reading to try to guess what a WAS is thinking. Or to wonder, does he miss me at all? And yet, I keep coming back to those questions. I'm hoping it gets easier in time.

Wishing you all a good weekend, and thanks for all the encouragement, as always!

[raliced]

Also, does he dream about me? (I KNOW no one can answer this -- it's rhetorical.) I dream about him constantly still, much to my chagrin.

Hi Ahoy- I have a theory about why we dream about the WAS (I do every once in awhile, and when I do its pretty intense). I think we spend so much time right now GAL, doing 180s and being positive, that our mind still has to work through a lot of the negative stuff about our spouses and it forces us to do it whil we are sleeping. I personally have had to push aside a lot of stuff(betryal, etc)just to be able to function and stay upbeat around my girls. I guess it has to come out sometime.

Do they dream about us? I bet they do. You can't make that kind of massive life change without some deep thought- and they are clearly not doing that during their waking hours :-)

[Ahoy]

thanks, raliced. The dreams are my way of processing, and sometimes in my dreams I'm furious with him, other times loving. When it's the latter, I wake up feeling so sad (this is part of what threw me for an emotional loop earlier this week). I know it's part of the mourning process for my M. I know I won't be in this emotional state forever, but I sure wish it would pass.

I read on these threads about folks who have been standing, or working on piecing for YEARS, and I wonder if I'm up to the task. I want to be, but at the same time, how much of my lifetime is worth it, and how will I know if I'm making the right decision?

Part of my wants to be patient and let the situation evolve as it will, granting H full agency to do what he's going to do, one way or another, and another part of me wants to be over and done with this so I can move on with my life. Living in the uncertainty -- both relative to him, and to my own needs -- is difficult. I know that's what detaching is all about, though. Some days are harder than others.

Need to make GAL plans for next week!

[Ahoy]

It is a beautiful day here, and I am SO tempted to invite H to join us for an outdoor music event. I miss doing things as a family. So far, I have been NC since the separation, except to respond to him regarding daughter, and to coordinate things for daughter and financials. I have accepted one invitation from him to join him and daughter for dinner, and one invitation to go for a walk with him. Both were friendly, but nothing more. I know he misses my friendship because he's said as much, but I don't want to be put in the friend category.

So I do feel that NC gets results, but at what point is it okay to invite H along to family things. I don't want to pressure him, and frankly I'm afraid of rejection. Should I just stay the course? Need some advice!

[Maybell]

The advice I got is that if you can make the invitation with no expectations, and you'd be going anyway, then you can/should make the invitation.

I'm wary of the friend zone thing, too, but it's a difficult path to tread, because friendship is the path to connection.

Let us know how it goes!