Need Help before I blow a fuse.

[25yearsmlc]

On another note my D17 is starting to have panic attacks that I am concerned about. She is going to see a specialist this afternoon and I told my W that I was just as concerned about my daughter as she was and that I wanted to be with my D today like she is going to be. My w got mad and said that I would make it all about me like I always do. I told I was going and this isn't about me but about my D. Her view of me is that she thinks that I think everything is about me when in the last year it has been all about her. How do I handle?

1) First, find out why your wife says that and OWN it if it is true. Heck, even if she believes it and you don't, apologize for it maybe being true or true TO HER...(meaning, you can use the phrase below)...

When a WAS says something about the past marriage and it's about a flaw of yours that hurt them or embraced/angered them, etc. say

"W, I'm sorry I hurt you. If I had it all to do over again, there are lots of things I'd do differently." And then drop it.

IF she says something NOT true or not accurate as far as YOU recall, you can say

"Wow w, that's not how i recall it at all BUT I'm so sorry you were hurt. If I had it all to do over again, there are lots of things I'd do differently."

((^^^ Both replies show CHANGE is possible on your end. NEITHER answer escalates, both answers show you are owning what you did or might have done to hurt them, and that you are sorry for that. AND neither answer makes you into a doormat.))

Probe her for her meaning and stop the guesswork. Find out what she's talking about and then apologize once you get it.

Remind your w that "Despite the past" you are "making changes" and want to be clear that you are "interested in what is best for daughter NOW" and if your wife tries to rein you back into the past (where you get to be wrong again), haul her back into the present.

Say "you made a good point but now I'm focussed on the present b/c daughter needs US BOTH. So let's figure out how to help her NOW..." And change the topic OFF of you and back onto your d...

One reminder...many depressed people are a bit self indulgent , even when they don't mean to be.

I have a dear friend right now, who is a brilliant author and a a celebrity, ^ a tv commentator. He is also VERY depressed and it is so hard to shake off his "Funk". And yes it is self centered as heck.

EXTREMELY hard for his buddies to be around him now. The only reason I still am, is b/c we were once close friends and I can't believe the old "friend I know" is not still in there but geez, Everyone else is sick of him. One mutual friend said she's really worried he'll take his own life "But He drains people of their joy" and she has given up...

So if I were you, I'd probe what your wife means. You may not be aware of how your depression and withdrawal and panic attacks came off - but I suspect they did drain others, esp your wife.

And by draining, I include the feelings of rejection.
Think about it. You are married to someone who is so sad and fearful that YOU are not enough for them to get well!

Very frustrating, and to now to see your own child acting the same way....scary and possibly infuriating. Like "look what you showed our child!"

Be ready for that line and don't deflect. Apologize for any of the possible example she gives you, but then steer the talk BACK to doing right by your daughter. You may have to do this more than once.

While she was trying to parent your children, you were, in effect, acting like one (in terms of how your wife was treated. HER needs of her partner were not met, b/c she was trying to get you out of your funk, to no avail, WHILE also raising the kids, one of whom is now showing signs of the same problem.

That has to be very upsetting for her and sure, she may think you are the last person to "help" with this. But you might be just the right person.

Help your d get help, without shame and do NOT assume you know "just how" she feels.

No teenager believes their parents have any experience that relates to theirs...fyi

again, just ask your w what she means, apologize when needed and steer the talk back to your d.

But don't control the talk. Let your w have her say and ask her for HER Opinion often. Maybe let her guide this. LISTEN as actively as you can. Make eye contact and remain CALM...very calm. (Show her the change you keep talking about making).

See this as an opportunity for that, not something to dread. Make sense?