still holding on - 4

[PeterV2]

I hear you, U-turn. It's tempting just to open it up and say what you think and deal with the backlash as it happens.

In fact I've even done that a few times and it has gotten pretty intense. Afterwards I've admitted that I don't really care that much for conflict, and my W says it's sometimes necessary to resolve issues and deal with problems head on.

Sometimes it has lead to an improvement in my sitch and other times it lead to a degradation. I've done post-game analysis and figured out that if I don't validate her emotions during the fray then the results are inevitably negative. I have to be careful though, as she's said, don't patronize me with phrases such as "I can see how that can be difficult", etc.

She's very intelligent, quick and aware and when we have heated discussions I'm often at a loss for quick logical comebacks. Of course two hours later I say to myself "I should have said..."

Like you say, a good discovery convo could be fruitful, but I think proper preparation would help, i.e. knowing what territory you will stay away from (OM, A, etc.) and having some well thought out position statements, like about boundaries. And also gleaning your skills at reflective conversation so it doesn't degrade into a verbal cage match.

Throughout it all though you'll have to be disciplined enough to remain detached and be vigilant that your emotions don't suddenly overtake you and stick your foot in your mouth.

I really need to read and heed my own advice. I would do better if I did.