Going up, going down...

[BrightFuture]

Nero, I know what you mean about thinking “DO SOMETHING”. This comes up every time I have these “well meaning” friends to give an advice or question me why I haven’t filed for D yet. I've read some of your posts and I'm glad you are doing better these days.

Job, thanks for the encouragement, that I've been doing a great job. The mail doesn't bother me that much. I don’t go out of the way to send it, I do it when I can. When I feel like I don’t want to do it anymore, I will put a stop on it. Which could happen soon…

Heather, Life’s Twists, you made me think. Yes, I bring up the Playboy every time I send the mail to him. But, I don’t feel gross or offended by the fact that it is Playboy. I don’t know, maybe there is something terribly wrong with me? H have been subscribing to this magazine forever, since before I met him. I knew about it upfront. It never bothered me to know that H reads and looks at it. I guess I was confident enough to not be bothered by him looking at other naked women. I would not call it porn either. Just my opinion.

I know that other people have problems with it. I've met other women who were kind of shocked that I was ok with H openly having this magazine in the house. The reason I bring it up “a lot” is that I think that I’m doing H a huge favor. I don’t think he understands that yet. Not every woman would tolerate this magazine in the house, not even mentioning mailing it to him.

The only thing that I realized recently that was related to this magazine is that I was subconsciously trying to compete with the women in it, in terms of looking perfect all the time, having a perfect body and perfect skin, perfect hair, etc. I thought that my looks would guarantee that H will never look away. Now I know how wrong I was. He secretly fancied our friend, who is way out of shape and cannot even compare to me.

Now I just want to be me, whatever shape and form I am. I actually like me more than before the BD.

I don’t know if it comes across in a different way than what I’m trying to post. This Playboy subject seemed to strike some strong feelings here, which was not my intent. I just mentioned it as a fact.

Heather, thank you always for your support. I've been learning from your experience a lot.

Now I need to figure out how I will respond to friends and family when they ask me questions or give me unwanted advice without feeling uncomfortable. I have to learn this.