Wife Still in MLC but has now left #4

[Wonka]

Now on to the MLCer Mind (if there was ever one!)....

I will no longer disrespect my W by seeing her choices as due to some crisis or her just trying at almost 50 years old to find her place in the world. She has made decision after decision that negatively effects me and her own children (of course that's only MY opinion), and gosh, it's only right that she has the time to roam free and find her joy and it's just so wrong of me to think that the crazy things she is doing are anything but her God given right to screw the person who had to take care of her for years while she was "sick".

Okay. I'll bite.

Let's turn this around a bit here. Say that you DO respect W's choices. This means you don't respect them at all because you don't LIKE them and doesn't fit into your neat little boxes of what a "wife" or "mother" is supposed to look like. You even said:

So, you think I show her that when my expectations fail, I judge her harshly. Umm...not sure how that would look since the only expectation I had was for her to be a wife and mother.

Yeah. You "expected" W to stay married to you forever and to be a "mother." That is how you packaged W into those small boxes. When she didn't met your "expectations", then she's Cruella De Ville. No wonder she wants to run away from that type of pressure.

Expectations in a marriage is just a recipe for misery.

It's not that long ago that men 'expected' women to be pregnant and barefoot all the time in the kitchen. Ugh!

Now...with that new angle, aren't you surprised that W didn't run away earlier??!!

Why is it that MY protecting myself financially is "punishing"? Why is talking about the VALUE of something (no repairs to the house so it's worth less) making an excuse? It's NOT an "excuse", it's a statement of fact. The house is worth X. The "community assets" are worth Y. If Y exceeds the value of X, then it's in MY best interest to sell the house and split the assets. Whether or not my W or you or mach think I should just roll over and say "Oh, well. Since W is in crisis, I should just let her keep everything of value" and doing anything else is just me being "superior" and "punishing" I still have to protect myself.

You misunderstood our feedback. Putting in boundaries is a way to protect you. We've urged you to speak with your L many months ago to put some systems in place to prevent W from taking things out of the house willy-nilly. Time and time again...she kept right on doing it because YOU had no legal safeguards in place stating that she cannot take things out of the house without prior consent from you as the H.

And yet you blame her for doing this???!! Disregard our advice at your own peril. Why do you look so shocked now??

See what I am saying here, Matt?

All the feedback I got when I wasn't trying to protect myself was "Don't let her take advantage of you". Now when I decide to take action, I get Mach and now you cat, telling me I'm just being judgemental of my MLC W and the poor thing is just trying to stop her pain. Oh, how dare I want to keep anything of value that we both worked for. I should just let her scream and shout and run around like a child and get her way, literally? Or did you miss that post?

Let's contrast this ^^ post with what you actually posted below:

I will no longer disrespect my W by seeing her choices as due to some crisis or her just trying at almost 50 years old to find her place in the world. She has made decision after decision that negatively effects me and her own children (of course that's only MY opinion), and gosh, it's only right that she has the time to roam free and find her joy and it's just so wrong of me to think that the crazy things she is doing are anything but her God given right to screw the person who had to take care of her for years while she was "sick".

Matt, can you pick out a few descriptive words that come out as being 'judgmental'? I can see 'em right here. Do you now see why Mach was trying to get you to see this as to make you more self-aware of your thought process? Becoming aware of them means that you have some more work to clear out more mental dross and from that comes personal growth.

I don't attach any "value" to the things except the monetary. When you are talking about "things" that are worth, in many cases thousands of dollars, there is nothing "so-called" about their value. In fact I don't want to 'keep' the antiques she has taken, I in fact will most likely sell them since that is the "value" that they have.

So, I'm not detached? How can I explain this to you so you will see....I don't care at all what my W is or isn't doing as long as it doesn't have a negative effect on me or my D14.

Beep, beep! Wrong-O! You are definitely not 'not detached' as you claim here. You're still very much all hot and bothered by W's actions. We read all of your postings here...right there in front of our eyes.

Problem is until this D is over, I have to care about what she is asking for in the D settlement especially when what she has agreed to and what she is now doing are very different. When I have to take actions that negatively affect my life because my W doesn't want to "put herself out" when, say, my D14 locks herself out of my W's house and she tells her to "call your father" instead of taking action of her own, I feel that is irresponsible and yes I don't like it.

Hmmmm..judgmental much? No? Or yes...

I trusted that my W would keep her word and acted as such by giving up all the things of value, REAL value not sentimental, now, if she gets what she wants, I will have been taken once again by a person who is acting not only selfish, is going against the LAW in our state when it comes to "community property".

Why on Earth would you trust a MLCer who changes their mind as frequently as a tumbleweed tumbling all over the vast, flat and hot New Mexican desert??!

Here are some final words here, Matt.

Your W is not "out" to hurt you or your daughters at all...not in a deliberate way. She's lost, confused, scared, and very stressed out. She's operating on those emotions which makes for some really wacky and wonky times for everyone involved.

In her mind, she wants to "divorce" you as a way to relieve the pressure she's feeling AT THE MOMENT. That could change several weeks or months down the road.

I suspect that when her father eventually passes away, she will be hit very hard.

Then...where will you be? What will you do?

Turn your back on W because of your resentments, hurts, and grievances that you continue to hold on to because it makes you come out smelling like "roses" here?

No?

Of course not!

1) You are not a victim
2) W is not Cruella De Ville
3) FIL is not Satan

At some level, you all three are broken people with baggage. Everyone is doing their best with what they're working with at this present moment. Yeah, not a pretty picture...but who's asking for a O'Kefee picture to admire from afar?