Yeah I hear you about feeling like you're right on top of each other. I've kept my books in my work bag for a month or more, and usually leave it in the car now or in my bedroom instead of at the door.
The exercise has really helped me too. I've played pickup hockey for a long time, so that just resonated with me. Such a great workout and I really like the guys on the team.
Last edited by NewLeaf; 09/25/1407:16 PM.
Me:33 W:32 T 12yrs M 3yrs House, No kids 6/16/14 BD 1+yr PA disclosed 9/1/14 Requested divorce, in house S
Yeah I've wanted to join a league for years. It would involve getting a bunch of gear I dont have, which is why Ive never done it. I played in HS and really miss it. There's no better workout.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
Ugh, bit of a slip up. I snooped. My W posts on a private message board for this broad group of friends, women only, several of whom are also old friends of mine. She's on it all the time. She left herself logged in and I glanced at a thread she had made about our sitch. I only read her most recent post before getting the awful feeling that I was of course going to get. She posted that she noticed my change in mood and positivity, that I was working out and getting active on the job front, all of which indicate to her that I've accepted things and am moving on. (BD date was six weeks ago. Wow.) She also said that she suspected that I was seeing someone. Which is....nuts. I've spent a total of two nights out of the house the last two weeks, both dinner dates with male friends. No idea how she would get this impression but I guess it's not a bad thing. She also said she was "hoarding her paychecks".
The most irritating thing to me is she wrote that I "called her BFF and talked for an hour." Her BFF called ME, to tell me how impressed she was with how I handled things with her partner (and my wife's ex-AP) at our encounter earlier that day. And spent the next hour asking me questions about W, which I mostly declined to answer, as I don't trust her to keep anything confidential. And apparently, she then told my W about our convo and that I had called HER. Feels like I can't win with these people.
Going back into major detach more here. Losing sanity. When will this end.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
She also mentioned me taking off my ring and then putting it back on, which she said was weird. Several other people commented that it was weird too. Yes. I'm the weird one.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
Hi 1foot2, it's a good sign that she's noticing the changes though and speaking positively about them. Keep up the good work. You'll get mixed feedback about snooping, but most will say it's not worth the risk and the frustration. I know personally my biggest screwups in this whole process have come at times right after I snooped and then blew it. It sounds like you're doing a good job with your positive changes though!
Me:33 W:32 T 12yrs M 3yrs House, No kids 6/16/14 BD 1+yr PA disclosed 9/1/14 Requested divorce, in house S
That's a good way to look at it. Just gotta stay strong with this. And no more snooping. I am just SO confused and fascinated by what is making her tick. It's like someone swapped her brain out. What I get stuck on is feeling like this just can't be permanent. It's just too strange. But it might be.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
Really struggling with if I can even DB right now. Took the boys to dinner last night, W went to "study". Came home and she was gone, noticed that she had showered, which people usually do before they go to a coffeeshop to hit the books. W did t come home. She texted this AM if I could drop off all three boys, and pay the babysitter. I replied "yup". Got them all ready before realizing she still had the key to our other car. Had to call her. 10 mins later she showed up w the key, and I intercepted her in the driveway to get it. She asked if I wanted help and I said "nope" and walked away. She left. Took all three boys to school/babysitter, and all were late.
Not sure if DB techniques still apply here. Part of me feels like she just has to go. There is something wrong with her. We have an 18 month old she barely sees. She was an obsessive, loving, focused mother with our oldest. Something broke and I can't make her fix it. I am still focusing on all the strategies, and my plan was to simply provide positive stability for my family, shielding them from her behavior, until the A dies out or she comes out of the fog. But this can't go on.
I need to have some kind of conversation with her about this, probably tonight, but I am terrified. I don't want to push her away, and I have resisted even establishing boundaries to avoid putting pressure on her. But she is taking advantage of this to the fullest, carving out more and more so that she's only doing the bare minimum. I know that she will say she WANTS to leave, on her own terms, but the reality is that it will take her months of "paycheck hoarding" to afford a new place (with me left paying all of the bills with less income) and even then I doubt she can pull this off. This feels totally impossible! I'm going to the gym.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
my plan was to simply provide positive stability for my family, shielding them from her behavior, until the A dies out or she comes out of the fog.
Yeah.....that was my plan, too. That is not going to work out for me, and I hate to say I don't think it's going to work out for you either. Apparently, these things take time. I hope someone else has advice on what you should do next. I'm grateful that H still lives in my house and we have a semi-graceful exit plan. I'm not dealing with a WAS who simply doesn't show up sometimes. He's only done that once, apologized profusely, and hasn't done it again. If there's a next time, his clothes will be on the sidewalk when he gets here.
