afraid I have waited too long #4

[nit84]

Thanks Sandi for responding!

I need to ask a few questions if you don't mind so I make sure I understand what you are saying.

"You know Nit, I really get tired of hearing men saying....."I can't control that".....and continue doing nothing whatsoever about his own choices and direction, and allows such horrible disrespect from a wayward W. When a man uses it for an excuse or his reasoning behind his own lack of action....THAT is what just too much! Why would you expect any woman to want a H who just lays down and lets her wipe poop all over?"

Sandi, I thought that one of the main points of DBing was to work on yourself and try and not let what the WAS does affect you? I have made a choice to work on myself for myself. I believe I know some of my part in the failing of my M and have set out to work on this to become a better H. For instance, not yelling at, bullying, demeaning, or demanding it be done my way or no way. This is towards everyone not just my W.

"you say this situation and all that she has done to you is NOT a deal breaker. I am curious as to what WOULD be a deal breaker for you?"

If my W were to become pregnant by someone other than me that would be pretty tough to look past.

"you say you won't live in an open M. Of course you will. There's not a doubt in my mind. Because you have been doing it......for how long now?"

I won't live in an open M, but my W has to want to work on things before I can talk about the steps I will need to feel "safe" in trying to revive our R correct? Things like complete transparency etc.. Until she has completed her journey I have to have patience don't I? I can't say ok enough is enough stop acting like an a$$ get rid of the OM and let get to work saving this M.



"You sit back as she brings OM's dirty clothes into your home and watch her do his laundry while you try to make chit-chat? Now why wouldn't a gal be attracted to a H like that kind of guy? You have to do more than "pretend" you don't notice. But then you whine to her about why they can't use a laundry-mat. Are you hoping she will feel sorry for you and come to her senses of the strong man she is leaving? Nit, it won't work that way."

I admit I should have said something the very first time I discovered this but I didn't. When I used to get angry in the M I didn't handle it correctly. I wouldn't stay on point and would bring up past issues that I knew were very hurtful to my W. Since the S I have tried to keep our argument in the "fight fair" arena. My W knew I was p**sed off about the Laundry. I did say why not use the Laudromat instead of our house because it is disrespectful to me. She denied they were mens clothes. I could have got up and took them out of the washer and proved they were but she has pulled the "I'm afraid of you card" out in the past when I attempted to be somewhat forceful so I didn't need that added into the dynamic again.


Quote:
"Well, I guess I finally had enough. I asked when will she be done washing her clothes because I wanted to do some of mine. She answered with an attitude Why? This caught me off guard a bit and I said because I want to do mine just wondered how long but no worries."

This was weak but I was attempting to be kind about HER laundry. If you read the next paragraph after this one I said well when will you be done with OM laundry, still pretty weak I know but at least she now knows that I know she has been doing his laundry. She apparently doesn't care that I know this so I guess I wait till the next time if there is a next time and then just take the clothes and throw them out the door onto the yard.

I really need help I guess because maybe you are correct when saying the things I consider DBing really aren't or they won't work.

Thank you for taking your precious time to look at my thread. I hope you will keep coming back, I really value your thoughts!