Wife Still in MLC but has now left #4

[Wonka]

Matt,

Whoa! A lot happening in this thread. We need to slow down and step back a bit here.

I was pretty much absent due to the "insanity purge" by the DB It contractors that froze out everyone for several days and then dealing with a bunch of stuff IRL.

Seeing some of your recent posts makes me want to present some thoughts and insights from the other side of the coin as a former MLCer. This is tough stuff...indeed!

A few comments first.

I'm tired of having to be the one who has to be there for my D14 when she is with me and also when she is with her mother. I'm tired of having to take my time and energy and devote it to fighting for what any rational person would see as reasonable for me to get after so many years of working so hard, of taking care of someone who was "sick", of being the sole "bread winner" for most of our M, especially since I wasn't the one who ended the M.

Whaa? What??!! Did you just say that you're tired of being the sane parent for D14??! What choice do you have here, Matt? Isn't what you are really fighting for, right?

-What is rational?
-What is reasonable?

Who gets to define them here, Matt?

I see my W looking like she hasn't slept, being way too thin and gaunt. Every time I have seen her even when she was out with her relatives early after she left and she was still inviting me to family events, I never see her smile. How is it she still thinks I'm the cause of her unhappiness? She sure doesn't look any happier than before she left! I don't want her to see this so she changes her mind about our M. I really believe that boat has sailed. I would just like for her to maybe see this so that we could maybe be able to actually co-parent our D's in a way that is healthy and where we could maybe work together for their good at least.

Why is it so IMPORTANT to you that W see this? See through which filter? See what? It seems to me that you want W to behave a certain way that gets your "approval." Your approval for what reason/purpose?

Yes, I deserve the 2x4's. Yes, this is stuff I've been through before but now I have to go see my lawyer and take time off work and out of my life. I have to answer her demands from her lawyer.

There's a reason for v between parties. And I am sure you have your own "demands" too. It is a matter of perspective. John has his "demands" and Jane has her "demands." Does that mean that John's "demands" are more important than Jane's??

It's not all cotton candy and popsicles for sure!

And at the same time I can't trust my W, even when she seems to be being reasonable.

'Reasonable' by what kind of standard? Who gets to define reasonable? She is probably thinking that you're not being reasonable either!

Not only doesn't it make sense, it goes against the law. I do get that what you are saying is that this is the way she see's things, I just don't think any "rational" person would. (And I know she's not rational but isn't her lawyer at least rational enough to tell her that she is out of line?)

Lawyers are EMPLOYEES of their clients irrespective of their private thoughts. S/he can think that you are an obnoxious jerk and think you're way off base about a lot of things, but following your 'orders.' They get paid to do this. This has absolutely nothing to do with the lawyers being "rational."

I guess what it boils down to is I don't want to be a victim. If I let her have her way like this I will be. I will have NOTHING to show for the last 20 years of work and sacrifice (except a good relationship with my Daughters). It just sticks in my crawl when she complains about how hard it is. I had to keep everything going while I was the only one working and making a lot less than she is now. Not only that I had just as many bills AND two kids in private school. She never understood how hard that was and now that she is on her own she is feeling the same stress I felt for 15 years, half of that time with her so "depressed" she didn't help out much at all in any way. I'm really losing any feelings of concern or empathy towards my W seeing what she is pushing in the D settlement.

Sounds like someone is harboring a lot of resentment here and keeping a long scorecard against W. Hmmmmmmm...how's that helping you get unstuck and moving forward, Matt?

You lose empathy for W when she presses onward for D. Because you don't want a D. Hmmmmm...

Yet you show some empathy when W shows up gaunt, tired, exhausted and wan. Her father is dying of cancer. Because you see a fellow human being in pain.

Then you might want to develop some global empathy for W overall...not cherry picking times when and how to show empathy. By showing a global, generalized empathy for W will help you get out of the "victim mentality" faster.

I, for one, plan on making a better life away from a depressive S who thinks throwing away the last 26 years is the key to a life of happiness and "joy".

Oh my! You make it sound as if W is doing this with malicious intent. She's not doing this on "purpose" just to get back at you or hurt you. She is RUNNING AWAY because the pressure is TOO MUCH to handle.

Didja know that I did contemplate moving out of my marital house and renting an apartment? That was how stressed I felt and my coping mechanisms broke down imperceptibly over time. On top of this is the fact that her father is dying. Whatever his past transgressions, he is still her father. This very stress is EXACTLY what your W is going through and it is starting to manifest outwardly by her gaunt appearance.

Have some empathy...please. 'K??

Now on to the MCLer perspective. (yeah...held off right to the end just to annoy you, Matt! Nah..just kidding)