I can be the lighthouse but not the tugboat

[daring]

So I am having a particularly difficult week. I'm in call and have the viral respiratory crud so that doesn't help- but it's more than that.

Like a few others on this board I am downright angry at my H and really do not want to see or talk to him right now.

The following is various journaling I have done today:

Texts with S19 today got tense about whether we should have open access to all his college records before paying anymore tuition. H tried to tell him- give us access or no money ( ok nevermind I am footing the bill for all the kids expenses b/c he has no job- but he did buy the iphone6 and a new rug for his apt). I texted H I disagreed with his approach and please talk to me before we end up on opposite sides of this. When H called and I was explaining my point, and saying S19 gave the transcripts and tuition screenshots he said "we " is missing someone- I didn't see them. ( I told him about them though) As we talked more and I said he's an adult he H jumping on me about ok then let him pay his car payment ( I make sure that's on time b/c I'm a cosigner and need to maintain my credit). and let him be stubborn and have to stop college.
I pushed back and said no. And then he was focusing on related issues. I said you're deflecting and he said no- two separate issues and I said you know what- I did tell you about his transcripts and if I didn't forward them to you I'm sorry but you weren't exactly very involved at that time. I was teary but tried not to be. H stopped and said I'm sorry, I didn't mean to attack you.
I said fine lets talk this weekend.

Then came texts as follows:
H: Thank you for bringing it up. I'm sorry I hurt you
Me: Thank you. I sent you the email.
H: Your mad at me for standing firm on this and im upset at the opposite. Either way. He is doing shitty at school and with his health. We need to get more involved in every way we can. Maybe I'm over stressing sure but this important and maybe our last opportunity to help him get this [censored] right.im sorry I'm handling this wrong with you.
Me: I'm not mad- it's just not the approach I would take and I don't want to be boxed in a corner. And we have talked about his grades and if there is a repeat he will not continue to go there (at least without paying himself), he can go to community college.
I agree about his health etc. but encouragement and modeling are all we have at this point. I have learned I cannot control anyone but myself.

No more texts after that.


So my final assessment..... This is about H and what he feels he failed at and needs to catch up on and what he sees in himself as a lack of guidance growing up.
My anger/hurt feelings- you chose to walk away from this ( had to, needed to, wanted to WTF ever). I am doing the best I can to take care of them. You're off spending your money on yourself and I'm paying for all of this- so you know what? No you don't get as much say and you f'n made that choice. So continue to be involved yes and we can disagree but without me you can't take care of all these kids and you don't get to manhandle the decisions.
And while you're at it- why don't you realize that you're trying to be like S19and start your life over as a responsible teenager and think he should do the same. But you're 40.

Then this was my journaling tonight:
I grow more annoyed each day with the lack of insight.
Topic of friend going through her husband leaving came up. H asked if she was going to be ok. I said don't know, I don't think anyone knows if they are ever going to be ok in the situation.
He says "oh you are more than ok." With a bit of a come on tone. Really? F'n idiot again. ( no I did not say that part) I said not really-some days I am some days I'm not. It's not a very pleasant existence. He says I'm sorry if it's uncomfortable to talk about. I said its not that it's uncomfortable, it's just you don't seem to have an accurate assessment of the impact based on your comments.
Crickets......
Then we talked about the how a gun that he ordered forever ago finally came in that got stolen out of his truck. I asked how much it cost and he told me when he ordered it two years ago it was $3000. ( purchased during the thick of replay of course) I feel like he used my money for a couple years to buy all his f'n toys and then walks out when he's got him.
Then on way driving around he mentions how he was supposed to go to dinner tonight with colleague and his wife and bring S7. F you again- I don't want to hear about your dinners with people who value marriage.
At least I got a thank you for driving him around to get things he needed since his truck is going to the shop for window repair and glass removal.

I know this is a long post, and it's mostly venting. I just seem to be so angry and annoyed by him right now.

Is this part of the journey to detachment? Because I don't like anger but I sure seem to need to allow myself to feel it and process it.....