To forgive

[25yearsmlc]

Wow, loved the end of the world story!
One thing, again, in forgiveness, it took both the H and W to say, "I am sorry, and I forgive you". I'm still hung up on the forgiveness without the other person either being remorseful

I understand but there^^, you are still thinking it's about THEM, and it's not. It's about doing something for YOU, so you are not consumed by the pain of their behavior.

You let go of it. They and their choices are NOT factors in this equation. When you really get this, it'll make sense.

Also, Don't confuse forgiveness with reconciliation, which requires trust and that takes more time. Forgiving does not mean you now trust them, or that you are ready to trust) and don't confuse forgiveness with trust or condonation. '
They are not the same

(or even seeing the "wrong" in their actions) or excepting the apology and showing forgiveness in return.

No reciprocity is needed to forgive. (Lose the score card). In the "End of the World" story you see forgiveness without a return "expectation" of the same, right? No reciprocity is needed. And no apology is needed - to let go of the pain and anger YOU are carrying around.
Make sense?

know when my w started spewing, I did say "I'm so very sorry for anything I have done over the years to hurt you. I really didn't know or try and hurt you." and was totally rejected by her. All I got was "You should have known" even things that she totally misread on my part. How do you get past that.


Why must you get past that? YOU don't have to get past that. She does and you don't control that.

YOU just have to get past the pain YOU are carrying around from her. IT's not an "even the score" event to forgive and let go of past grievances. It's just freedom for your soul. It's "your way out of hell".

I don't know another way to say it but when I do, I'll post it here. It's just NOT about what they think or say or are doing. They are not even relevant to this...I have forgiven people I have not seen in years. They don't even know I forgave them and that does not matter. It's for ME, not them...

I know I'm missing something really important here. I'm just not sure what that is....

Hopefully in time it'll come to you but do try.

Remember the phrase "holding onto anger to punish someone else-- is like lighting yourself on fire--

to get smoke in their eyes."

WE are the ones hurt by the pain WE carry. WE benefit by letting go of it. They are not even in the equation so their actions are not relevant, their apology or lack thereof is not a factor. THEY don't matter in this...it's all about you and going forward in your life without as much baggage and pain.

Forgiving them means letting go of the past, and the pain it brings about in you. It does not mean you trust them not to do it again, or that you are ok with them; it does not mean you are reconciling.

But to reconcile you need to forgive and to drop it AND you'd also need some behavioral changes on their end to make you feel safe. But that's a different matter. Does that help?