too late?

[jim0987]

I'm going to go for the whole sorry story. Its quite long and I know I'm an idiot for not trying hard enough and somehow expecting a good outcome.

My W and I met at work and new each other for over a year before anything happened. I was in another relationship and she dated a couple of other guys in the office. Wed always had chemistry and so it wasn't long after I broke up with my ex that we got together. She said no for a while and even slept with someone else to try and not think about me. But we did get together and it was great.

After about a year I got a new job which meant us moving about 100 miles from her family. We moved and she was really sad for a while until we bought our own place and settled. She wanted to move home but that would have meant both being unemployed. Things got better and then she got PG and things were great.

One day we thought she was having a miscarriage and were both distraught. We spoke to the hospital and got a scan which said the baby (now my D3) was OK. The hospital said they wanted to run a few more tests and my W said it was OK for me to go to work (it wasn't but I'm not good at empathy and very literal so didn't get it). The Drs said it should be fine but that my wife had to stop running which is something she used to love and that we shouldn't have sex.

My D was born and is beautiful and healthy. My wife struggled for a while and I often came home to find her in tears. She was really lonely being away from her mum but there was nothing I could do. She wouldn't go to any mums groups to try and make friends so she was alone except for me. I also found becoming a new dad tiring and quite hard. I encouraged her to go back to work as I knew this would be good for her (which it was and financially she had to) although she maintains she didn't want to.

We had decided to get married a few months after my D was born so my W could get her figure back (what she wanted I thiugh t she looked great regardless). Things were a little tense but I just put that down to new parents and how lonely she felt. Just before the wedding she went on her hen night and had arranged to meet her ex. I found out as she left her facebook page open and when I asked her she lied about it. When I challenged her she said she lied because she knew that her meeting her ex would hurt me. We went ahead with the wedding but it wasn't all rosy even on the wedding day.

Over the next couple of months I got really insecure about why I wasn't good enough for her and so I started asking questions about her exs. I was comparing myself to them and kept finding I came up short. My W tried to tell me to stop and that she had married me but I just couldn't get it out of my head. She thought I was making her out to be a 'cheap whore'. When she said that I realised how horrible I'd been to her and stopped. Suppressing my insecurity.

Things were frosty after that and she still had no real interest in sex so I began to feel rejected. This carried on until her dad died a few months after the wedding. On his last few days they went to hospital everyday while I stayed in MIL lounge with our D. I felt trapped there for day after day and when they got home I was ignored except to be told how wonderful SIL new boyfriend had been. I wasn't happy but I was OK after all her dad was dying and this is what she needed from me. On the day he died the family decided to go for a walk in a park. The same one where W had told me about the man she slept with to avoid me. I couldn't cope - I just felt so hurt all the insecurity from the previous months came back. I tried to keep it in but when W mad esome kind of comment about me needing to pay attention I made some sarcastic and unfair comment back. I can't remember what it was but I know it would have been awful. I have apologised time and again but She has never forgiven me for that and although its no excuse my emotions got the better of me.

Over the next few months she grieved for her dad but my lack of empathy meant I didn't know what to do. I wanted to help but didn't know how. She took this as me not caring and said she did all her crying in the car home from work.

Things gradually got better and she started showing some interest in sex again. Quickly got PG with our S. And her sex drive evaporated overnight.

He was born 9 months later with no issues or problems. Though delivery was hard on my W and she really struggled. I had to go back to work when my 10days leave were up but she didn't want me to. I assumed that whenever I went back she would feel the same. And I had commitments at work which needed to be met. Over the next few months I took leave and rejigged my hours to be home as much as I could because my W was so sad and seemed to be struggling. My S was a real pain with feeding and sleeping and my D was jealous of him.

Around the same time I noticed that my W had stopped kissing with any feeling and that she withdrew when I hugged her. She also started telling correcting me on stupid things or dismissing my job as unimportant. When we went to MILs it was like I didn't exist for anything other than childcare. I felt rejected so put more and more effort into being a good dad thinking if I do this then she will come round and I don't need to keep making efforts and getting shrugged of. If I hugged her she would say she had a headache to make sure I knew there was no chance of sex. It got to the stage that if touched her I would feel I had to pull my hand away and apologise. She told me this was stupid but I couldn't stop myself

Things did start to get better but I was so resentful that I didn't notice and although I didn't realise it I had started to regularly make little cutting and sarcastic comments. when she was telling me that I was doing this and that it was upsetting her I just kept thinking that she was having a go just to tell me how rubbish I am again. I didn't listen I was too busy feeling hard done by. She got more sad. When she tried to tell me she was finding juggling work and parenting I thought she was having a go, reminded her of what we had agreed and got annoyed at the extra pressure she put on me (I do just under half the childcare). She got more sad.

A few months ago we went on holiday. She was so worried about it before we went that it was hard to be excited. She was tense throughout and it felt like I was just managing her stress levels and then she was in tears at the end because she had a nice time and we didn't have any more holidays booked. Although she has since told me the holiday is when she decided she was happier in a separate bed from me (the room forced this).

We got back and were making plans for the future. And i deluded myself that Things were getting better. I was just trying to get us to do something other than watch TV of an evening though we've had hardly any nights out because she always found reasons not to. I was also quite negative about the amount of time she spent on her phone - I objected to her ignoring me and the kids she kept accusing me of not trusting her.

All this to the weekend about 3 weeks ago which I described in my top post. I know I forced the issue and pushed her and it blew up in my face. All she can see of me now and i think since the wedding is negativity and security so everything I do is viewed and judged against that.

I do know that I have an unpleasant, insecure and sarcastic side which can't be nice if its directed at you and that I probably was making her feel bad as a way of dealing feeling rejected. I need to deal with that for the sake of me and my kids. I also know that someone who is as useless with other peoples emotions as I am is a pretty poor rock when you have big things going on in your life.

So here I am, being left by a woman who still amazes me and is as beautiful as she has always been. I would do anything to get that relationship back to where it should be but Im scared there has just been too much hurt for 4 years now. I'm not really sure what the right 180s are and detaching feels like it reinforces the I don't care view. I am going to follow some of the advice I've already been given and make myself the best man I can be.

So there's my story. If you've read it all, thank you. If I could offer you a cookie I would (my D and I make awesome cookies)