Had a really wonderful holiday dinner with my parents, brother, and his GF and her D, who is so lovely and whom my D adores. I decided to just cater everything, so there was no stress, and my mom totally stepped up to the plate and helped get everything set up. It was a really really nice dinner.
And then, this morning, I took D to kiddie services-- I was so proud of the way she ran up to the front, and was singing and dancing along. She had a great time, and I felt proud of both of us.
And then, my WAH came to pick her up to bring her to his mom's for family gathering this evening. Today of all days I should be able to find compassion and forgiveness in my heart. But as I heard him speak to me in a way that pushes my buttons (I have trouble keeping track of our quite complicated schedule changes, and when I ask again, or say the wrong thing, he says, "I already told you that" or "we already discussed that" and instead of taking it at face value, I think to myself, "You d-bag. You suck."
And then, as I hug my D goodbye, she asks, "Mama, are you gonna come to grandma's house?" and I fight back tears and say no, I will see her tomorrow. And I close the door, and crawl into bed and sob and feel hatred for this man who would be so selfish and hurt us so much. I miss my D on this most important day of the year. I miss his family, I miss having a partner.
And I should be self-reflecting on my year, and how I want and need to change, but instead I put on the Food Network and try to ignore the thoughts in my head because they are too painful to think or write about.
But perhaps that means I must push myself to do just that. Perhaps some journaling or letter-writing is in order. This pain feels almost unbearable right now. So much for thinking I was almost detached. I still have a lot of work left to do.
