Man, a lot going on while I was writing my last post....
First of all, thank you Heather you put my feelings into words better than I could. There is a way to get your point across that isn't insulting, doesn't make broad inferences about what did or didn't happen over the last 26 years or how someone acted or didn't act in their M. What bothered me most was I finally did listen to what everyone was saying about "allowing" my W to just take things, not stick to her word when it came to the D settlement, how things were going to work with our D14. I decided to take action (finally) to stop that. Because it's hard for me to think of my W as just some person who is taking advantage of me, I needed to remind MYSELF as to why I needed to just say NO. Hence the list of reasons why I felt I needed to put my foot down and take action.
Then, when I did, someone comes on and tells me I'm just "punishing" my W? Tells me that as the sage vet they can see that I just am acting out of pain or anger when I'm really just doing what I should have done from the start, protect myself. Not only that, I'm a hopeless cause that will never change into someone whose W isn't totally justified in acting out! The biggest pain I feel about my W is that in order to protect myself and my D's, I have to see my W as who she is now. Holding onto hope that she may someday come out of this and stop acting cra-cra wasn't helping.
As far as this "judgemental" theme running through some of these posts...man. I guess I am since I find that when the person I was with for 26 years has decided to become someone else and do her up most best to take me down since I must be to blame is something I find very 'wrong" of anyone to do! Just like you I'm certain I wasn't always the greatest S in the world whether I meant to be or not. But, honestly Heather, do you really think that Smokey was "justified" in his actions? Do you honestly think that he is a victim of you and your poor M skills or do you see that you and your actions have very little to do with how he is acting now?
The pain I feel most is for my D's, both of them. How it feels when my D19 tells me how she just can't trust her mother any more. The pain I feel when my D14 is no longer the outgoing, happy girl she was and is withdrawn and lonely. Just yesterday on the ride home from school my D14 was almost in tears. I brought out what the problem was and to be honest, if her mother hadn't "lost it" she wouldn't be there. She had a good cry, all goes back to OK and I get a nasty text about lunch money from W. It's hard not to get angry and think "Why do you worry about this so much when you D is in so much pain".
Either, as most "vets" say, we lbs's had little to do with their crisis, we didn't break them so we can't fix them OR we were awful S's who drove them to run away. Which is it?
Don't ever think that Smokey was "justified" in what he did. It may not sit well with some of the vets here but I'll be darned if I would ever say the things he has said and done, the way he has treated you and the kids has ANY justification!
I have much, much respect for you Heather. You have taken your life into your own hands and done what many couldn't have. You are starting over in a new place, you have broken the bonds that tied you to Smokey (which, since you were together for so long were strong). I would take your advice over almost anyone else since I have watched you process through this sitch that you never wanted, handled things with grace (mostly,LOL) and are starting over. You deserve high fives and kudos all around!
I won't just stop coming here. Anyone who gets upset with me or see's me as a "hopeless" cause has every right to feel that way. Seeing people like yourself who are picking themselves up from the wammy that they got from their S and making a better life for them self and their kids is inspiring and gives many others hope that they to can do the same!
