The Goddess of Goats Thrives Alone on Her Mountain

[GoatGal]

Thanks, Wonka and Cadet.

At this point, it's drilled into my head that I will continue to ride the roller coaster for a long time, as long as I can stand it, anyway.

I have seen the ups and downs all along and I am fully prepared for him to cycle back around.

In fact, just this morning he sent the "I won't be there" text about tomorrow.
No explanation, even though he usually gives me one.
(Pushes my buttons, no doubt part of why he does it. In the past, his passive aggression has included being vague or deliberately misleading as a way of asserting some "control". Whatever. That's his problem.)

Although I briefly run the scenarios through my head:
"What? Does he have a DATE? From his dating site?" "What will she be like?" "Should I be worried...?"

I stop myself from thinking along these lines.

The fact is, I have no idea.
He could well have a therapy appointment, just want a night off, be doing anything or nothing.

I can't stop it---so why bother working myself up about it?

But this type of text still irritates me a bit, because it seems a flagrant "in your face" because "I'm being deliberately mysterious and vague to keep you off balance" type of move.

But then again, I'm probably reading WAY too much into it.

He's just asserting his independence from mommy and not giving me information because he just doesn't feel he needs to.

I stop myself from trying to understand why one week he'll give me detailed accounts of his whereabouts, and the next, pointedly not tell me anything, or outright lie to me.
(Yes, I've caught a few of those too, about things that are so inconsequential that lying about them is silly, but whatever.)

In accordance with how I would like to be treated, I let him know where I'm going and how I can be contacted.
I am a responsible adult, and since I am the primary caregiver for these animals, he does need to know if I get stuck somewhere or how to get me in an emergency.

This ^^^^ is only IF he is staying here and I am gone late or overnight.

When I am here alone, I don't tell him my whereabouts or much of anything else.
I know he looks at the bank account every day, so he has a good idea of where I am based on my spending. By the same token, I could monitor his whereabouts the same way, but right now I choose not to because it constitutes snooping and just gets me worked up.

I don't tell him about every my appointment, so why should he?
If it impacts the other person, I think it's common courtesy to do so, but courtesy, empathy, and manners are still pretty much MIA on his end.

But yeah, it bugs me that he just states he won't be here and doesn't give a reason since I'm the one who has to cover for him.
I do believe this is deliberate on his part.

"Why?" is an answer I probably will never get.

For myself, I continue to be transparent. I have no reason not to be.
----------------------------------------------------------------

I was at a party last week where people were saying:
"Don't post this or that pic on Facebook!" (It wasn't even a wild party--pretty darn tame.)

I laughed about it with a few (mature) friends and said "I don't care what pictures of me they post!"
If I look ugly, I can untag myself!
I am never going to get caught doing anything that I don't want people to see.
My own mother can look at anything I'm doing, anywhere, with anyone, and feel proud that I'm her daughter.
The same goes for my husband.
I firmly believe that integrity is about how you behave even when no one is watching. And integrity is something I do have and value highly in others.

I have a great time doing lots of things, but I don't do anything I will later regret.
------------------------------------------------------------------

On the upside, H's same "I won't be there text" had a few good points.

1. He ASKED me yesterday if I'd be available tomorrow night before he made this announcement. In the past, he'd almost never check if it would be a hardship for me or not.

2. He didn't ask "how LATE EXACTLY" I'd be out Saturday night.
(Good thing, because I had my speech planned about how from now on he was going to have to manage whatever discomfort he had about me not being definite about what time I'd return home, instead of me enabling him to avoid dealing with whatever the issues were that caused this discomfort. So far, that little talk is on hold.)

3. He also said he'd stay over here Saturday for sure, and maybe even Sunday.
This is a big deal because he NEVER stays Sunday night. He has to be to work really early in the morning on Monday with all that entails.
Usually he's ready to be away from here by Sunday afternoon, and to be honest, I'm ready to see him go too! I'm also not ready to be around him all that much. It's too hard.

But this ^^^ means that he will be here all day Saturday, Sat. night, all day Sunday and Sunday night. AND I WILL BE AROUND A LOT DURING THAT TIME.

Hmmmmmmm......

I'm not making much out of this, but it is A CHANGE.
----------------------------------------------------------------

Wonka, you asked what things I saw that led me to believe that his depression is lifting.

It's subtle things, really.
He smiles more, he's been cracking a few jokes. He smiles AT ME.

He doesn't seem as anxious to get away from me, although he's hardly chasing me down to spend time with me.

He appears to like my company as long as we're busy working together and talking about the job at hand.
I don't think he's ready to just hang out and shoot the breeze "socially".

I couldn't take much of that either right now.

There is a light in his eyes. He doesn't look as "gray" in the face.

He's lost that bloated belly... carries himself more upright, more upbeat in his mannerisms.

He is calming down...before he was in a constant, anxious kind of motion.
It's like he seemed uncomfortable in his own skin, and couldn't get away from himself.
The constant business seemed like it was keeping him distracted and prevented him from thinking about things that maybe he didn't want to think about.

Now he's told me he's working on "Chapter Two" of his "book". Yes.
This man who hates to read and write, the terrible speller I married, is actually two chapters into a book on rescuing animals.

The fact that he can devote himself to, and sustain his attention on something that is SO out of his norm, and taxes abilities that are not his strong suit--well, that says something.
(I don't know WHAT it says, but it is "different".)

He is less condemning about other people, and has said a few nice things about me, and others.

He has expressed ongoing concern about my mother and her degenerating condition. He asks for updates almost daily. This is more like how he used to be.

He has still not asked me about how I am doing, but he probably afraid I might upset him with my answer.


He is reaching out to people again. He has been back in touch with his college girlfriend. (He says SHE contacted HIM, but who knows. She's on the other coast.)

Prior to OW, I was NEVER threatened or jealous about former girlfriends. I still feel that way. But OW is different. That still pisses me off.
-----------------------------------------------------------------

From what he says, she's a mess. (I don't think he's lying about this, I've heard from others that she has been living in a shelter, pretty much a shell of her former self.)

She's his age, and is suffering from a lifetime of drug abuse and bad living. She was a damaged person from the start, which he knew, but I think he was saddened to learn that she has basically ruined her body from drugs and is now a recluse.

That she never dealt with her demons, and this is what happened. She's alone, sick, and has wasted most of her life.
He felt about her like she was a kindred spirit back in the day.
This could be HIM if he doesn't turn things around.

He has been in touch with her several times from what he's said.

I used this as an opportunity to validate his caring for her after all these years, how sad I was for him to learn this, and for her. For him to let me know if this musical project she's working on comes about because I'd love to hear it. (True.)

Funny, he talked about her quite a bit. I guess she sent him pictures and he said he was shocked--that she looked like she was 100 years old.

Then he talked about some other old pics where "She was always so cute. She could have been your sister."

I have seen old pics of her and that's true.
In many ways, she and I are a lot alike in personality, interests, and more.

The main difference is that she was an emotionally damaged girl from the start (a bad attraction for him).

And I am mentally/emotionally healthy and available.

However, in the big picture she was NOT like OW, except for being damaged.

She was very talented, perhaps more than he, and admired her for this.
She could also do the "guy stuff"...That's another similarity she and I share.

And he WAS NOT THREATENED BY HER ABILITIES.

So perhaps he really DOESN'T want a needy, co-dependent, put-him-on-a-pedestal/stroke his ego/act like a hooker with the porn replays type like his OW was.
-----------------------------------------------------------------

Instead of being concerned with him being in contact with an old flame, I am encouraged.
He has shown concern, TALKED TO ME ABOUT HER, and recognizes how her life unraveled. He has drawn favorable comparisons between her (his big love) and me.

I also used this conversation as another way to inject a few "Truth Darts".

About how she did the best with what she knew, that she made mistakes, but it's good that he still cares for her and she is now doing the work to turn her life around. How lucky she is to have people who love her no matter what, and how that support helped her start to get well.

That redemption is possible.
And people can still love you, even although they might not like what you do.
------------------------------------------------------------------

But he IS better. It's just baby steps, but it's definitely THERE. It's encouraging, even in small doses.

I find myself hoping that as he comes into the light he will see ME as a good thing, a desirable thing, and not use his newly found energy (and sense of self?) to find a "better replacement".

I suppose it could happen. But there's nothing I can do about it, so no use worrying about that either.

I'm just getting on with my DB/GAL/PMA/STFU/CTHD program, and it's working for me. I'm making myself happy.

Making himself happy is up to him, however that turns out.
I like to think that being with me is an enjoyable thing. He's the one missing out, in my opinion.

And so unfolds another day on the mountain!


---GGG