If you are tired of posting to me cat, please feel free to not. You are off base in many of the things you are saying IMO but again, that's your right.
Why is it that MY protecting myself financially is "punishing"? Why is talking about the VALUE of something (no repairs to the house so it's worth less) making an excuse? It's NOT an "excuse", it's a statement of fact. The house is worth X. The "community assets" are worth Y. If Y exceeds the value of X, then it's in MY best interest to sell the house and split the assets. Whether or not my W or you or mach think I should just roll over and say "Oh, well. Since W is in crisis, I should just let her keep everything of value" and doing anything else is just me being "superior" and "punishing" I still have to protect myself.
All the feedback I got when I wasn't trying to protect myself was "Don't let her take advantage of you". Now when I decide to take action, I get Mach and now you cat, telling me I'm just being judgemental of my MLC W and the poor thing is just trying to stop her pain. Oh, how dare I want to keep anything of value that we both worked for. I should just let her scream and shout and run around like a child and get her way, literally? Or did you miss that post?
As for you saying "Matt thinks he was a perfect H and is just condescending" isn't even worth commenting on from someone who is being as condescending as you are in saying it. I have never said I was a perfect H and at this point it just doesn't matter if I was or wasn't! My post was about making sure I get a fair D settlement, nothing more. And the only reason I needed to get to this point was because I was trying so very hard to be more than fair to my W and in the process, behind the scenes, she was doing the opposite of what she was saying she would do.
Look back over the last several months cat, and you will see how I tried to do things YOUR way. I didn't fight my W on anything. I helped her pack and move. She wanted something, I was fine with it and let her take it. I validated her and the way she wanted to do things. Not my way but that's up to her. And what happened? Nothing except in the meantime I found out that far from her trying to be "fair" in the D settlement, she is trying to get everything she can and doesn't care at all about anything but herself. You can say that is fine as that is what people do and that is true. So, now I have decided to do the same but my doing it is some how "wrong"?
I don't attach any "value" to the things except the monetary. When you are talking about "things" that are worth, in many cases thousands of dollars, there is nothing "so-called" about their value. In fact I don't want to 'keep' the antiques she has taken, I in fact will most likely sell them since that is the "value" that they have.
So, I'm not detached? How can I explain this to you so you will see....I don't care at all what my W is or isn't doing as long as it doesn't have a negative effect on me or my D14. Problem is until this D is over, I have to care about what she is asking for in the D settlement especially when what she has agreed to and what she is now doing are very different. When I have to take actions that negatively affect my life because my W doesn't want to "put herself out" when, say, my D14 locks herself out of my W's house and she tells her to "call your father" instead of taking action of her own, I feel that is irresponsible and yes I don't like it. The only reason I even hope that my W will some day be able to have any sort of R with me is so we can get our D14 through the next few years with as little problems as possible. I have no "romantic" interest in my W at all. The person she has decided to be now is so different from who she was and not someone I would want in my life.
You know cat, everyone here is in pain. They are going through a very hard period in their lives, harder than almost anything else they will ever go through. It is hard for me to do things that I know my W will find "upsetting" since she is already in crisis and I still remember that at one time I vowed to love and honor her until death. If I was able, I would love to just say "Take it all. I just don't care." but I can't do that. Because of my W's actions, her crazy spending, her hiding money, her telling me that she had not a single thought of leaving the M and therefore cashing in MY retirement and just a few WEEKS later, her saying she wanted a D, I find myself in a position where I have to fight for a fair settlement. In order to do that I have to look at what got us to this point. Remind myself that this isn't my W anymore. This is a "business partner" and I need to get a fair settlement for all the work I put in in our 20 year "partnership". That's not "easy" when she still looks like the person I M.
Of all the people I have posted with on this site over the last several months, even those who called me out when I was spinning or not thinking straight, only you cat and mach seem to think it's OK to be insulting, to make broad judgements about my entire 20 year M or the part I played in my W's MLC. Only the 2 (Ok, there is also at least one other now that I think about it) of you seem to think that no matter what I do unless I say "I was an awful H and I am to blame for my W's actions" I'm somehow being judgemental or superior. That I am somehow "wrong" to want to protect my d14 from her mother's craziness or unless I see my W as a "victim" I'm playing the "victim". To me you seem to want to be an apologist for the MLC. That every person has a "right" to treat their S with disdain since I MUST have done or acted in a way that "caused" her to get there. I just don't agree with that line of thought. Do I wish my W ill? No. I do I want to punish her? Absolutely not. What I want is, if she no longer wishes to be m to me, so be it. But I will NOT let her keep taking advantage of me in the process. I will fight for what is as "fair" as possible. I always had/have a choice in the way I 'behaved" in my M and I tried my very best to do the "right" thing. Did I always succeed? He!! no! But I did try whether you choose the believe that or not. Maybe you just can't believe that anyone ever acts except in their own self interest, I don't know nor will I speculate as that would be wrong. Just because I disagree with what you think doesn't make me "wrong" nor does it make me superior or judgemental or any of the other things you want to ascribe to me. I have gotten so much great advice here from people like Heather, Wonka (although he has had to kick me in the butt many times), Georgia, pbetra, TL, GGG, brooklyn, the list goes on. Never once did I feel insulted by them, even when they were telling me how "wrong" I was being and why. Only a very few have done that, cat.
And lastly, the definition of insanity....is EXACTLY why I have decided to change the way I have been handling things in my D. I trusted that my W would keep her word and acted as such by giving up all the things of value, REAL value not sentimental, now, if she gets what she wants, I will have been taken once again by a person who is acting not only selfish, is going against the LAW in our state when it comes to "community property". So, you see, I am "changing".
