I know that things may go south, i think what makes my sitch more positive IMO, is the fact that she is on board with moving foward with a nee home for our family.
MD, I understand what you are saying. be careful. My W (STBXW) also was very interested in buying a new home, even though all the while she was seething inside. the thought process is that something "new and shiny" will "fix" it. it doesn't....I'm not trying to be a downer. Just my 2 cents
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
I dropped W off at the airport today. She is visiting family in south Texas, and its her sister baby shower. She was really nervous, she hates flying.
On the way to the airport we talked about her work, what she was gonna do with her family, and just overall good convo. We exchanged hugs, kisses, and I love you's. Then she went to her gate.
I did do something out of the ordinary for me. I put a simple greeting card in her check bag, so she can find it when she gets there. I wrote, "Have a great trip! Me and the boys will miss you. Eat some mexican food for us! I can't wait to see you when you get back, I love you."
I've never done a simple gesture like that. I just wanted to put her mind at ease, so that she dosen't have to worry about me us back home, or the R, and focus on having a good time with her fam.
ME: 29 / W: 29 M: 10 (11 in March 2015) BD (ILYBNILWY): 07/26/14 S:12 / S: 7 "We need to separate" : 08/31/14 Wants to see others: 10/11/14 Separation looming
ME: 29 / W: 29 M: 10 (11 in March 2015) BD (ILYBNILWY): 07/26/14 S:12 / S: 7 "We need to separate" : 08/31/14 Wants to see others: 10/11/14 Separation looming
Things have been going fairly well I'd say. There is not as much tension in the air as before. Aside from a couple of minor setbacks, I think things are coming along well.
#1 W had a conversation with her trainer on the phone while I was laying in bed with her. W had to call him because his phone was acting up and she wan going to be able make it to trainig the next day. What bothered me about it was the fact that she was on the phone for almost 20 mins with him. First it was all about Why she couldn't come, then it was bout the fact that his phone [censored], and all "she"(not we) was T-Mobile and explaining to hime pricing. It just felt wierd because she laughed with him, and her tone was almost giddy at times. I felt soo insignificant. Its almost as if I was not there.
I wasn't going to say anything to her that night, no goodnight, no I love you, no hug and kiss. But after she got off the phone, she told me goodnight, so i reciprocated.
ME: 29 / W: 29 M: 10 (11 in March 2015) BD (ILYBNILWY): 07/26/14 S:12 / S: 7 "We need to separate" : 08/31/14 Wants to see others: 10/11/14 Separation looming
So, a few days ago I did something knew I probably shouldnt have. She doesnt have a ring anymoe, so i bought her one.
I did not give it to her right away, I was going to wat for the right time. Things have been going really good, We have been laughing at times, she seems happier, she even returns my hugs and such with more emotion. For lack of a better term, it felt good. So this morning, I told her "I have something I've been wanting to give to you", I pulled the ring out of my pocket she said "why did you get this?". My heart sank.
To make a long story short, I told her because she is my wife and it makes me feel good, beacuse I listened to me heart and not my head. She said that she can't wear it right now, but when she is ready she will.
I know I shouldnt have done it, It goes against all DB'ing practices. It's rough. But I think I'm getting used to being let down and hurt. I doesn't effect me as long as it has been in the past, and that worries me to be honest.
ME: 29 / W: 29 M: 10 (11 in March 2015) BD (ILYBNILWY): 07/26/14 S:12 / S: 7 "We need to separate" : 08/31/14 Wants to see others: 10/11/14 Separation looming
Almost no traffic here. In need of some input. Wondring if I should start a new thread.
ME: 29 / W: 29 M: 10 (11 in March 2015) BD (ILYBNILWY): 07/26/14 S:12 / S: 7 "We need to separate" : 08/31/14 Wants to see others: 10/11/14 Separation looming
mandown, your recent post was more just journaling on your part. If you have specific questions that you include on your post, you'll find that you get more responses. (At least, that's what I've found.) Also, if you post on other people's threads, you are more likely to get responses to your own.
In terms of feedback, it sounds to me like you understand that giving her a ring right now was a mistake. No point in dwelling what's already done, but I would suggest you really work on detaching from now on. You are definitely not detached. If she wants to separate, now might be time for starting to go dark. Even though leaving her notes in her luggage is a 180 for you, now might not be the time to be doing that kind of thing. You are showing her that you are still available, she can take or leave you. You need to just focus on yourself, showing her that you're going to make the best of your life no matter what -- with or without her. THAT, my friend, is attractive. Desperation is not attractive. Pursuing her will not make you attractive in her eyes. I suggest reading Sandi's rules if you haven't already. That's what you need to be practicing right now, I'd think. Just a suggestion.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Curious about the community's opinion on this. Since BD, W hasn't came out and said ILY on her own. But, she does not hesitate to reciprocate when I say it. Sometimes its less enthusiastic than I would like, but it's still there. Stop saying it. It's right there in the DB book(S) to NOT keep saying it, so why are you wondering? I mean, it's just Not done in your situation. IT's called pursuit and it's blatantly NOT giving her the space she asks for. "Space" isn't just a physical thing; it's also emotional and you are smothering her imo. Back off. Have you really read the DB books, or either of them? It's not really showing atm.
I say it, when i leave to work, and when we goto bed, and sometimes ill shoot her a text and wish here a good day amd ILY. Wow, you sure do not get the whole "Detach" mantra. You need to "get it". Should I slow down on this? Slow down? No, just stop it completely until if and when she recommits to the marriage and or says it first.. I Just feel if I do not say it, then she may think that I dont care I very seriously doubt this^^ b/c you are clearly very needy. Just learning a little self control (holding your tongue, Not pursuing her right now) would be nice b/c you really haven't yet showed her that you can...
or that I am reverting to my old self. This has been a 180 for me, to continually express my love for her.
Detachment is hard for me, as you can see lol.
GAL is key to detaching. Detaching will help You not smother her so much, and to Back Off. What are your GAL activities?
Last edited by 25yearsmlc; 10/02/1403:45 PM.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
So, a few days ago I did something knew I probably shouldnt have. She doesnt have a ring anymoe, so i bought her one. A woman who isn't sure if she wants to be married to you now, who wants a separation, and you think you "probably shouldn't have" given it to her. Correct. Big mistake. [/b]
I did not give it to her right away, I was going to wat for the right time. Things have been going really good, We have been laughing at times, she seems happier, she even returns my hugs and such with more emotion. For lack of a better term, it felt good. Yes I'm sure it did, but those are the words of a boy, not a man. Show some restraint. If you really want her to feel heard and respected, stop pushing for so much. And make no mistake, that RING was not "just a gift", it's symbolic of a commitment she does NOT feel towards you. It's there to reassure YOU. IF you wanted to Just get her a gift, a necklace would have worked without all the blatant strings attached that exist with RINGS.
Do you see that now?
So this morning, I told her "I have something I've been wanting to give to you", I pulled the ring out of my pocket she said "why did you get this?". My heart sank.
you obviously had expectations again and wanted "more now", and it backfired. LEARN from this.
To make a long story short, I told her because she is my wife and it makes me feel good, BINGO
beacuse I listened to me heart and not my head. And you did not listen to HER either. She wants space and you won't stop following her around with your neediness. Back off. She said that she can't wear it right now, but when she is ready she will. She let you off easy. Be grateful and don't sulk or pout. Just please, read the books that form the basis of this site's philosophy so you don't make mistakes like this again and again. The DB "program can work IF you do the program.
I know I shouldnt have done it, It goes against all DB'ing practices. It's rough. But I think I'm getting used to being let down and hurt. I doesn't effect me as long as it has been in the past, and that worries me to be honest.
It's not just about you being let down. IT's about you ignoring what your wife has repeatedly asked for and it's about pushing your wife farther away from you.
I mean no offense with this next question, But Have you always been this needy? I wonder if it's the underlying problem you ought to be working on...just a thought.
Good luck.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
