Wife Still in MLC but has now left #4

[Mach1]

Mach,
This is the third reply I have started but decided to not post what I wrote. Let's just say...thank you for your opinion but I most hardily disagree with almost everything you wrote. Far from "punishing" my W, all I'm planning on doing is getting what is "fair" in the D settlement. Since you have no way of knowing the details (like the fact that we cashed in all my retirement just weeks before her saying she wanted a D, that the value of the antiques she took along with the retirement accounts far exceeds 1/2 the value of the house, she left our joint accounts with a negative balance, etc.) I chose to think that you are just "misinformed" as to calling my plan "punishing" my W.

While you may not know this I worked long and hard on my M. far from expecting it to work "without any effort" on my part, again, something you have no way of knowing.

Matt, I don't need the "details" to see this.

I tried to see things from her "side" but while I was doing that I was getting screwed. As for my feelings being hurt because I'm so superior to her.....I'm sorry if you think what she is doing is moral, or that just because she no longer values her children having a sense of security that is just as "valid" a point of view as mine. I disagree but hey, if you want to judge me, that's up to you.

Oh, make no mistake here, I am not judging you at all.

I'm just pointing out how you are judgmental...

You can twist it around and hide behind it as much as you want. Maybe it allows you to feel better if you can politely tell me how wrong I am, and throw in a few snarky sarcastic comments.

Truth is, the condescending crap that you just threw at me, is THE SAME THING THAT YOUR WIFE HAS ACCUSED YOU OF....

Her words...."You treat me like a child"....

It's in your threads, I didn't make it up out of thin air...


How are you any different today, other than you refuse to see it in yourself ???

And I am here, as an outsider, telling you that I see the exact same thing in you, and as many posters have said to you.

Was this the way that you responded to her when SHE told you this ?

To argue your point, and confirm her belief ??

I will no longer disrespect my W by seeing her choices as due to some crisis or her just trying at almost 50 years old to find her place in the world. She has made decision after decision that negatively effects me and her own children (of course that's only MY opinion), and gosh, it's only right that she has the time to roam free and find her joy and it's just so wrong of me to think that the crazy things she is doing are anything but her God given right to screw the person who had to take care of her for years while she was "sick".

Tell me exactly, how what I bolded isn't judgmental ???

How many of you Women posters out there, would want a guy that "allowed" , and "let" you find yourself. And the throw it back into your face when you "chose" something other than what they expected ???

That sits back on his "moral" high horse, and passes judgment and morality on you, because you changed your mind about a decision that you made 25 years ago, and you feel differently now. ????

And don't assume that I am saying that Divorce is okay, because I do not believe in it AT ALL.

What I also do not believe in, is trying to control and manipulate another human being just because they don't think, feel, and act the way that I want them to.

Love is about supporting, and you SAY that you support her.

Is that as long as it benefits you ??

Do you love her enough to see her happy ? At any cost ??

As against Divorce as I was, and still am. It was more important to me, because of the Love that I had for my EX, to see her happy. And if her not being with me gave her happiness in life, then I would accept that.

Am I a victim ?

No, because I chose to show her love. I know that nothing that she did was to intentionally hurt me. I know that she did it for herself.

Yet I also CHOSE to rise above it, and CHOSE to let her decision benefit myself as well.




And I know I am comparing apples to oranges with that, because you threw the Children in there. If you were to take them out of that sentence, then really read what you said.

So, let me try this again...

She has made decision after decision that negatively effects me and her own children (of course that's only MY opinion), and gosh, it's only right that she has the time to roam free and find her joy and it's just so wrong of me to think that the crazy things she is doing are anything but her God given right to screw the person who had to take care of her for years while she was "sick".[/b]

Would YOU want a relationship with someone who thinks this way ???

In fact asking her to not take everything of value we have worked so many years for is just down right mean of me and I should be homeless since trying to keep anything is just me wanting to punish her. By the way I have NEVER told my lawyer to "attack" her at any time. In fact he suggested I not let her refinance one of our cars in just her name and I allowed it because she couldn't afford both the car payment and rent on her new place.

Once again, the victim....

Believe it or not I'm not "hurt" that the person my W is now doesn't want me around. Actually if I were to met her today I wouldn't give her the time of day. If anything I miss the person she was. If I attached emotional value to stuff, I wouldn't have let her take it in return for allowing me to have the house. As for acting out of fear...you are right there. I fear getting taken for everything that I have and being left homeless while my W gets to keep it all. So, you're right on there. I also fear what will happen to my teenage D when she's left alone every day after school until late at night.

So let me get this straight....

You LET her, take the "stuff" , in exchange for the house.

Then you bitch about her taking it(stuff), and you are gonna be homeless....


What ???

The biggest mistake I made in all this is treating my W like someone who is pain and just trying to find her way. The more compassion I showed the more she got HER way.The more she got her way the more she wanted until there was no more left to take. Time for that to stop.

Once again, that is what MLC is....

And IF you would have read here, and listened rather than defending yourself, you would have seen that MLC requires strong boundaries for OURSELVES.

You chose compassion because that is who you are, and what you believe.

And I commend you for trying that. We have all tried that angle...

Nothing wrong with that....right up until you deemed yourself smarter than anyone here, and chose to do things your way, instead of listening to some people who have walked this path ahead of you.

And forgive me , BUT (your favorite excuse for not doing better), the dis-respect that you show to anyone that tries to show you a different view, on a forum that I owe so much to (for saving my dumb ass), is quite offensive.

But hey, who am I to tell you anything....

So, you think I show her that when my expectations fail, I judge her harshly. Umm...not sure how that would look since the only expectation I had was for her to be a wife and mother. When she wanted to try something new that put more responsibilities on me, I backed her.

I don't have to "think" it Matt....it is all over your words

I'm sorry if you see my wanting to protect myself and my kids from what my W is doing as being superior or being judgemental. Or doing so as "punishing" her. I disagree but, hey that's OK. You have every right to your opinion!

Well, I thank you for allowing me to have my opinion.


Like I said above, it is all in your words. It isn't something that I have to "think", or be opinionated about too much.

You have spent so much time during this, trying to prove that you are right, more moral, and being the victim...

That you forgot to actually be anything different, and not just for your Marriage....for something way worse....yourself

Have you noticed that there aren't any Vets posting to you anymore ?

Ever wonder why ???


I have a pretty good idea....