To forgive

[25yearsmlc]

Hi LT,
I too struggle with the concept of "forgiveness". I hear people say that it's for myself that I should "forgive" my W. But, like you, I think forgiveness is earned, like respect. I most definitely do not respect the person my W is now. That person has made choices that someone I would respect would NEVER make. I know that she is in "crisis", that there are "reasons" for this crisis. But that doesn't mean she isn't the person who made those choices, no matter why.

In order for me to forgive I feel that she must first, at the very least, recognize the harm she has and is still causing and second, actually seek to be forgiven. I doubt that she has the strength of character to do either of those things. Not in the state she is in and who she has become. Who is the person that she truly is? Is it the person that I knew and loved and swore would never do all the things she is now doing? Or is the person who she really is the one who she is now? Who am I to say that she isn't being the person who she truly is now and the person who she was was a lie all along? Either way, I just can't seem to bring myself to forgive someone who is actively still doing things that hurt so many, being so selfish and yes, cruel.

I know that I would have never let someone like who she has become into my life, have children with that person, build a life around and with them. No, I wouldn't have given her a second look and never allowed that person into my life in any way. Until she at least stops what she is doing, stops actively destroying all I have worked for, I don't see how I could ever "forgive" her.

I used to think of forgiveness like you. But I don't anymore. For one thing, I think you're more discussing a reconciliation and for THAT, I'd need to feel reassured that the affair would not happen again and for THAT

i'd need to see awareness of the harm, and a willingness to be transparent and an apology of some sort (but usually they feel justified in their affair and usually, sadly, there is SOME truth to their complaints. Does not equate to justification but it does show the "slightly gray" area that can be misused.

However, my anger was consuming ME and interfering with my parenting. I was not fully present for my kids when they really needed me b/c I was so upset and sad/angry. I also felt my h DESERVED my anger and NOT my forgiveness.

But I heard someone say

"Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire,

to get smoke in their eyes..." (and that<<<< really hit me as spot on)

I was the one most hurt by my not forgiving. I really mean that.

In our vows it often says "from this day forward" and I think that was genius and I look at forgiveness as us putting the past down, and NOT picking it up again.
Lose the scorecard b/c they never belonged inside a marriage

(From Corinthians: "Love does not keep a record of wrongs",.... etc)

My h had to know I would not hang it over his head like the Sword of Damacles, and he needed to know I would Not throw it in his face the next time we had a fight. If we make it nearly impossible to "earn" our trust again, then why should they bother?

So when I say I forgave for ME, I mean it.

But how does one do it? What does forgiveness look like? I never saw it growing up, that's for sure.

So I really did not know what it looked like. But for ME, the "dropping it and not picking it up again" and the "from this day forward" mantras, really truly helped me to begin.

It's not a linear process either.

But this is a great topic and it's interesting that it is such a big part of our Judeo- Christian heritage, but so few of us learned it growing up. And it is a learned skill. I say we keep talking about it!