Walk away partner after 22 years . First post

[25yearsmlc]

Update
Dropped the W at her mums with all she owns .
Tried and was successful at not getting upset .

Just before she left I told her the door would always be open if she ever wanted to return home . Was that a mistake ?


Yes it was. (IF she ever asks about you two in the future, in a way that shows she is merely "probing" to see if you are still there, waiting, Then say something upbeat about YOUR NEW life and beam about your future. If she out and out asks you "IF I were to come home..." then you say you "are NOT sure what you want" and you "need some time to think about it". Not "IF" you love her, but IF you want to take a chance on a reconciliation.

WE know you want one but a recon that happens too fast, usually does not last. As you know...It's Better to figure things out for good, and for real, before renewing.

You can have "deep regrets" about your part in the demise of the m, and still look forward to what life is offering you right around the corner. We WANT the WAS to have doubts about their choices. So we want to undermine their certainty about how lousy a mate we have been.

Of course if we HAVE been lousy as partners we must own that AND change it.

No WAS returns to a marriage they left....unless they believe

the marriage can be better/Different than before.

How are you demonstrating that? (not with words,but actions)?

So yes you made a mistake but surely not a "fatal" one. She will have to fear losing you before she'll look at you as a desirable man who is not merely her "back up" plan.

By telling her she'll always have you around, (in case the OM does not work out) you are essentially letting her explore as long as she likes, b/c no matter what, you'll "still keep the door open."

I am NOT one who advocates punitive measures at all, in these scenarios. So to be clear, I'm not telling you to "teach her a lesson" at all.

But Read the DB books, asap, FOR YOU - or you risk blowing this badly. And that's how you'll know what I mean when I say---A little mystery about your comings and goings, and some discomfort at the idea of YOU moving on, is usually mandatory- before they have any awakening...

If she knows you'll remain there forever, then there is NO RISK to her for exploring OM, indefinitely. And thus, no rush to go home.

Make sense?

Atleast it will be easier to detach when she isn't in the house something that was going ok until she returned 2 weeks ago for her trial .

I agree there is an upside to having them leave, despite how painful it also is.

It tends to Lessen the tension in the house and imo, gives them a chance to notice your changes a bit more b/c IF they see you every day it's harder to notice new things.

Curious, are the kids both yours? You refer to your d as "her daughter" and mention problems you have with your son but only when your wife is around. (Even IF that is true then the only time your w sees you is what SHE is basins her feelings on.)

Sounds as if there was a lot of conflict in the home.

How did you two resolve conflict? What was conflict resolution like in your childhood, if any? (In my childhood, my dad "won" b/c he yelled louder. But whenever he was not around, we reverted b/c the only reason we were complying at all, was sheer fear. Not being convinced to pitch in, etc.

How was forgiveness shown in your upbringing? IF someone has never seen it, it's harder to imagine doing it or getting it. She may think the A is something you won't ever get over so why bother trying? She may fear you'll hold it against her or throw it in her face, down the road.

That's really when the concept of "keeping the road home, paved & smooth" comes into play.

Does this make sense to you? Have you gotten the Div Bsuting or Div Remedy books yet and read them? You really must.

AND YOU MUST GAL or you won't be able to detach or truly heal. I hammer it here for one simple reason; it works.

Good luck and let us know what you are up to and how you're feeling