What to do when an EA involved?

[25yearsmlc]

I met with W for coffee today to discuss the house sale. I feel things went very well, I was cool, calm and collected. While the outcome was not what I would have liked (listing tomorrow) I had zero expectations for the coffee so I wasn't let down.

Good insight^^ here. Hard to be let down when you expect nothing eh? Remember that.

She seemed sad with her new apartment and when she asked what I'd been up to she seemed really sad at all the stories and activities I've been doing.


Do Not mind read, but hey, if you are right, then that's not a bad thing. You are having a PMA and being in the moment and doing what you were forced to do, i.e. make the most of a bad situation. Unlike her, you won't have to be saddled with "what if's" like she will be. You are being forced to "Deal with reality" and that is actually an advantage down the road.

You'll see.


She mentioned she was flat broke and wasn't able to afford a lawyer for the separation. I considered offering her the money for it but opted not to pay for a divorce I didn't want.

Offering to pay for the divorce would have been pretty darn crazy. REALLY. I'm glad you stopped yourself. If need be, tell her why. I mean, if she needed money for medicine, it'd be very different. But NO, you don't PAY for your wife's divorce attorney so SHE can divorce you AND ask for money. That's too weird.


I think she is getting a hard dose of reality as she sees all the plans she has getting further and further away from becoming a reality.

Life teaches them lessons, NOT the spouse. Back off and let her smell the old coffee. IF IF IF she reaches out sometime, be warm and upbeat as you are now.

keep the road home, paved and smooth, and move along in YOUR new interesting life. Make sense?

Shortly after I left she sent me a text apologizing for something she had said during our talk, it was minor and I didn't even think twice about it. At the end of the text she said "all i meant to say was that I'm proud of you". I thanked her and said not to worry about it at all.

Interesting and good talk. Glad you two had it. Did you hug when you parted ways? So when will the D be final or do you not know, due to her not paying?

Also, your money arrangements were troubling to me. Sure, you both worked but the way you divided finances and exposes was bound to create resentment and inequality.

I'd revisit that if you do reconcile AND OR when you are in a new R with another woman.....I'm for commingling funds for the most part. IF you each like having SOME money "of your own" that is one thing but most of the money should be in a joint account for "joint purposes" and b/c it promotes transparency and greatly decreases the chances of someone feeling taken advantage of, like you did.

Not saying you were all "right" in it and I bet she'd have a different version. But I am saying there's just not a good reason for treating each other like roommates with finances and to me, that is what you were doing.

ANYHOW, you sound as if you have started to heal.

Good for you. Remember, keep working on you. That way, in the event of a recon you will be more ready for a new, healthier and deeper connection than before.

And she'll have worked on whatever her issues were, we can hope. And the two of you can always avail yourself of other resources in the world, like Retrovaille, (Which I HIGHLY recommend if you consider piecing or reconciling. You must get NEW tools for your lives b/c you both lacked some).

Carry on! We are rooting for you!