still holding on - 4

[PeterV2]

Well, U-turn, I can certainly empathize with your doubts. I too often feel like W is just playing me, setting me up, and keeping the OM in her back pocket until her plan is fully executed. But then she says things that seem genuine, like wanting me to come over and talk.
Things have improved in your sitch, as they have in mine. You could support her in going for that job change that would separate her from working with the OM. That's a step in the right direction.
If she wants to spend time with you, oblige. Is one of her LLs Quality Time? If so then meet that need. But don't wear your heart on your sleeve. Don't try to take the temperature of your relationship. Try to keep R talk to a minimum. Talk about other stuff: your business, the kids' schooling, her job, and some fun stuff, like vacation destinations, sports, etc. Just keep it light.
My W said to me the other day, "A few months ago I was convinced I would never like you again, but now I do like you." That's a breakthrough as far a I can see. She never believed that people fall in and out of love in marriages. But now there's a crack in her skepticism. I try to spend as much time as possible with her. In fact, in His Needs Her Needs, it says if you spend 15 hours a week of quality time together it is inevitable that you'll fall in love with each other. Time. That's what's needed.
But be careful that the time spent is positive and love-producing.

Don't ask about OM. You were asking how As fizzle. I don't quite know, but I think my W's A is over. She still won't share her phone with me but that could do more with her asserting her independence than hiding a secret A. When she was involved, I just knew - by the way she acted and talked and lied. But now she's not so defensive or anxious. Her A lasted about 15 months from EA through to PA to realizing that that R is fraught with just as many problems potentially. So I think it died a fairly natural death, although I think my speech that I will not talk about our R until the A is over helped precipitate its demise (thanks to Sandi's advice).
I seems your W is coming out of the woods. Remember that although the A may be over, she may still have some feelings for the OM and that will come and go in waves. Be patient with her as she grieve the loss of that friendship. I know that's a hard row to hoe but if you can be strong and positive (PMA) and spend a lot of time with her then you're working a winning formula.

The way I looked at it, the more time I spent with her, the less time she spent with the OM. So while I was filling her love bucket, he was treading water. More time = more love. It took a while but I think it worked.

I'm still not out of the woods yet, but each day provides more opportunity to keep filling the love bucket. It was bone dry 6 months ago. It may take another year to fill. Patience and staying the course is the only way. And trying not to backslide.

When she says "you have no idea what I've been going through" your could say, "no I really don't, but would you like to share that with me?" Then listen, empathize. Don't judge. If she opens up do nothing to thwart her. I may be very difficult and agonizing but if you can be her friend and just listen and validate her pain then you're further ahead.

You could also ask her if she wants to join you to see a MC. I would go first myself just to give the MC the back story. Then ask your W to come if she wants. But find a good SBT MC. It may be money well spent.

All in all, U-turn, I think you're doing great. I know it's a rollercoaster. Keep working on your self-awareness and self-improvement. Let her lead the way and set the pace. That way she'll feel like you're on her team. Don't pursue. Let her. But also don't deny her. Work with her at her pace.