Walk away partner after 22 years . First post

[South74]

My daughter has already had to choose other classes to stop like most of her dancing classes but her singing is the one amazing thing she loves to do.

Thing is W thinks I've only done that to punish her but doesn't realise with my shift work and having to tighten my belt that it couldn't carry on .

W did make me laugh when she thought she could use the car to take her to lessons and I was like you've left how can you use the car .

[South74]

Advice needed everyone

My WAW has said several times that she is willing to sign her share of the house over to me for nothing .
Her reasons are she doesn't want me or the kids to loose the house .

So what do I do .

I feel if I get her to sign it over then it will be like the last nail in the coffin and she will never want to come home .

Also aware that W doesn't talk much sense currently due to the fog etc .

Any advice much appreciated

[25yearsmlc]

Update
Dropped the W at her mums with all she owns .
Tried and was successful at not getting upset .

Just before she left I told her the door would always be open if she ever wanted to return home . Was that a mistake ?


Yes it was. (IF she ever asks about you two in the future, in a way that shows she is merely "probing" to see if you are still there, waiting, Then say something upbeat about YOUR NEW life and beam about your future. If she out and out asks you "IF I were to come home..." then you say you "are NOT sure what you want" and you "need some time to think about it". Not "IF" you love her, but IF you want to take a chance on a reconciliation.

WE know you want one but a recon that happens too fast, usually does not last. As you know...It's Better to figure things out for good, and for real, before renewing.

You can have "deep regrets" about your part in the demise of the m, and still look forward to what life is offering you right around the corner. We WANT the WAS to have doubts about their choices. So we want to undermine their certainty about how lousy a mate we have been.

Of course if we HAVE been lousy as partners we must own that AND change it.

No WAS returns to a marriage they left....unless they believe

the marriage can be better/Different than before.

How are you demonstrating that? (not with words,but actions)?

So yes you made a mistake but surely not a "fatal" one. She will have to fear losing you before she'll look at you as a desirable man who is not merely her "back up" plan.

By telling her she'll always have you around, (in case the OM does not work out) you are essentially letting her explore as long as she likes, b/c no matter what, you'll "still keep the door open."

I am NOT one who advocates punitive measures at all, in these scenarios. So to be clear, I'm not telling you to "teach her a lesson" at all.

But Read the DB books, asap, FOR YOU - or you risk blowing this badly. And that's how you'll know what I mean when I say---A little mystery about your comings and goings, and some discomfort at the idea of YOU moving on, is usually mandatory- before they have any awakening...

If she knows you'll remain there forever, then there is NO RISK to her for exploring OM, indefinitely. And thus, no rush to go home.

Make sense?

Atleast it will be easier to detach when she isn't in the house something that was going ok until she returned 2 weeks ago for her trial .

I agree there is an upside to having them leave, despite how painful it also is.

It tends to Lessen the tension in the house and imo, gives them a chance to notice your changes a bit more b/c IF they see you every day it's harder to notice new things.

Curious, are the kids both yours? You refer to your d as "her daughter" and mention problems you have with your son but only when your wife is around. (Even IF that is true then the only time your w sees you is what SHE is basins her feelings on.)

Sounds as if there was a lot of conflict in the home.

How did you two resolve conflict? What was conflict resolution like in your childhood, if any? (In my childhood, my dad "won" b/c he yelled louder. But whenever he was not around, we reverted b/c the only reason we were complying at all, was sheer fear. Not being convinced to pitch in, etc.

How was forgiveness shown in your upbringing? IF someone has never seen it, it's harder to imagine doing it or getting it. She may think the A is something you won't ever get over so why bother trying? She may fear you'll hold it against her or throw it in her face, down the road.

That's really when the concept of "keeping the road home, paved & smooth" comes into play.

Does this make sense to you? Have you gotten the Div Bsuting or Div Remedy books yet and read them? You really must.

AND YOU MUST GAL or you won't be able to detach or truly heal. I hammer it here for one simple reason; it works.

Good luck and let us know what you are up to and how you're feeling

[25yearsmlc]

Right I'm getting really angry . And sat with tears running down my face listening to my daughter singing .

My daughter is signed to a artist development contract which cost a lot of money each month me and the WAW pay half each but I realise that this will end in the very near future and it will break my daughters heart .

why are you paying for your d to sing? IS she studying? I mean, Iif you have a "contract" then what are you paying for?

(Out here in Hollywood, there's a scam that has "actors/actresses" paying people to "help" their careers. That's not right or how it's supposed to go).

If a person is an honest manager or agent, that manager/agent helps the actor/singer get work, and it's from that work, they are paid. NOT from the actor's pocket (or singer's pocket, as the case may be).

Just be careful you are getting the right deal. There's a "rule" out here that says "if the artist has to pay, there's a better way" meaning that you are being ripped off. But perhaps you meant she is being trained or tutored or coached in singing...

Also, our family therapist said to PROTECT your kids and that includes NOT pointing out all the things they'll have less of. Focus on what is NOT going to change in your kids' lives, such as if they are remaining in the same area, school and friends will still be the same. If you will live near where you are now, stress that and all the friends she'll still see. Same church, same teams, etc...

Be specific and detailed about when your kids will see YOU and or their mom also. And keep your word, so make NO promises you cannot keep.


When I hear my daughter sing which she is currently doing at a studio all I keep thinking about is how much her heart is going to be broke when this ends .

Shift the negative "stinking thinking" Into a positive. Like how beautiful her voice is. Even if she stops singing in that place, she still have her voice.


I blame my WAW and the OM who has pursued my W and will find it very hard not to want to get revenge on him .

How is the blaming helping you? Oh, it's NOT is it? How is that "Goal" of revenge making you feel inside? All warm and fuzzy, or all consuming?

Whenver you are asked about the problems in the m, I have yet to hear you own any of it.

Surely YOU can see you played a role in this, right? And btw, OM is not the cause of the marital problems; he's a symptom. And it does not help you at all, to blame him and or your w.

You only control you so work on you. (Your wife is not here, trying to save the m, you are. So we can only help YOU to work on you). So far I have no idea what YOUR issues are with your wife or what you need to work on b/c you are very vague when those questions come up, or you blame external factors or your wife going thru "stressful" times. Nothing that you did or omitted doing.

That does not help you or the cause. I hope you'll soon see that when you OWN your stuff, you can change it. And that is empowering. It means things are Not hopeless, you can do something about this!

The BEST NEWS a marriage counselor can give you is that YOU have work to do, b/c then you can start doing it. ((( See, if you were a perfect husband -- and yet your wife still left you ---, that would be HORRIBLE nightmare. Yes it'd be worse than what you are dealing with now. B/C if you were perfect & she still left, then it means this could always happen to you! You're in a hopeless situation then. )))

So, See your flaws as opportunities for improvement (Which they are) And work on them and be glad you know what to work on.

IF you truly have no idea what you can improve upon, DIG DEEPER and BE BRAVE.
The real journey in life is an inward one.

This can be a time of growth and insight and an awakening, or you can keep blaming others and being angry.

Which do you think will help your situation the most? OR your kids?




And to be honest all the people that know me are amazed that I haven't smashed him onto loads of little pieces already .
But all that stops me is my lovely kids but what I might do when my daughters heart is broken I'm not sure .

Give me strength to not do anything stupid

South, you need to show us you're serious about wanting to save your marriage.

So far, I'm not sure you have even read ONE of the books that form the basis of this site's belief system. Don't take short cuts to a restored marriage, b/c there are none.

Figure out where You played a role in these issues and start working on them. What would your WIFE SAY were the issues you ought to work on?

And now, is there ANY validity to any of those? There -you have a starting point!!

[25yearsmlc]

not sure if the forum is up and running properly yet but here are a few things i posted but dissapeared.

one was about Fate met a guy in the pawn shop the other day who was in similar situation to myself , his wife had left him 3 weeks ago after 22 years he said it was out of the blue no warning no signs just bam she left. so he was selling his wedding ring as the final part of his chapter.

but its what he said about there being a higher being and all things are supposed to happen for good that stuck in my head.

another was about 180s one of which is trying to stop bitting my finger nails which is so hard with all that is going on .

hope this post doesnt vanish again

What are your other 180s? Have you read any of the books yet? Not biting your nails is not exactly a big marital 180, though I know it's a hard habit to break. But I'd bet your wife would not say it was a reason for her wanting out...which leads to my question.

Did you see yourself as really working on your marriage DURING it?

I'm getting a strong feeling from reading your words here, that you take a lot of short cuts...and I am afraid that it shows.

What do you think?

[South74]

Hi 25
I am currently reading divorce busting and have read the 5 love languages .
My 180s are
Loosing weight .
Spending time with my son alone . Going to the cinema and just getting him to do things just me and him .
Reconnecting with old friends
Trying to sort the house out .
And trying to get a life that doesn't involve just the kids .

And they are both my kids , must have been the way I wrote it.

The problem is the wife says I was a good man send she had a good life.
It's just she has changed and doesn't want a family life anymore she wants to be single and enjoy the single life .

[MrBond]

"The problem is the wife says I was a good man send she had a good life."

That's not what 25yrs is referring to. EVERY M has it's problems. What were the problems that you had a hand in. Be brutally honest. I can guarantee you that the minute your W feels like you're going against her wishes, she will change into a she-devil and start accusing you of everything under the sun.

Write the problems here.

[South74]

Think I have written the problems before but they are/were

Relationship issues with my son . Claims I never loved him
Being lazy with housework .
Not doing anything to the house for years and if I did try it would take forever and usually never got finished.
Not spending any time together , we never went out as a couple for meals out cinema just the 2 of us .everything we did was with the kids .
If she wanted something I would just buy it for her .
Never felt part of the family . This is due to no joint account and I paid for everything even though she worked .

Think that's about it for negative but then there were positives that she would say that would really puzzle me .

[MrBond]

No we saw that list. I mean the list with the details as to what YOU think were the things you do wrong. That list sounds like you just jotted down her complaints about you. If they were true, then be honest about it.

Explain why these problems came up.

For example..."Relationship issues with my son . Claims I never loved him " In what way? Were you always absent? How do you think you showed love towards him? How does your W?

[25yearsmlc]

if your marriage "problems" were just what is written below...I'd say you glossed over a lot of issues.

South, you have to dig a lot deeper and be a lot braver. That's my advice.

Think I have written the problems before but they are/were

Relationship issues with my son . Claims I never loved him

What does this^^ mean? Why would your wife say that? Do you have a temper? How is your temper displayed? What was your R like with your father?

Were you & your dad close? Is there anything being replayed in your R with your son, that happened in your R with your dad?

What would your SON say now, about your R with him?


Being lazy with housework .

Did your wife have to do it all? Did you ever consider hiring a maid? (**IF you were to hire one, would you have seen it as a reflection on your wife at all?**),

What would you SAY or DO when your wife asked you for help?

When she was cleaning, what would you be doing?


Not doing anything to the house for years and if I did try it would take forever and usually never got finished.

Can you give some examples? What do you think this^^ meant to your wife?


Not spending any time together , we never went out as a couple for meals out cinema just the 2 of us .everything we did was with the kids .

So, that's where the "roomate" feelings would come in and no feelings as a couple, or as romantically involved people could occur, I assume?


If she wanted something I would just buy it for her .


What does this^^ mean? And is this a complaint? I'm confused. It sounds as if you are bragging about something.... really, I can't tell. I mean, I think I know what your WIFE means but I'm not sure YOU do....

Never felt part of the family . This is due to no joint account and I paid for everything even though she worked .


So when you say you "paid for everything" --what you really mean to say is you were controlling the money, AND Since you were in charge of the money, she had no access to funds of her own?

This happened Even though she also had a full time paying job?

Why did you do this if you knew it bothered her?


Think that's about it for negative but then there were positives that she would say that would really puzzle me .

South, if your wife were to come here, & and post about what HER complaints with YOU were,
Tell me if this is what SHE MIGHT SAY ABOUT MARRIAGE W/YOU...


"My h was controlling with money and I had to ask for anything I wanted
and IF he felt like it, HE would get it, rather than "letting" me.

This happened even though I worked full time and never even got to have my own account.

He berates our son and is constantly angry at him. He never has a kind word to say about or to him...

and it's really bad for our son. H also never shows ME any sign of being in love, there is no passion or romance at all, we are just 'co-parents' to our kids, or roommates, and I'm a fixture with no identity of my own b/c h decides everything.

H does not care about our home and he never helps to clean it and never wants to help with any projects -

so the house is not at all how I would like it, & it does not feel like "my home"...

And the few times He has started a project, he leaves it half unfinished so we are all stuck looking at the mess which is worsened by his "help" b/c now there's a mess that wasn't there before...(but I'm supposed to be grateful)

and it does not matter what I say about it. I'm ignored and devalued so much that I don't even feel like I have a separate identity.

. I don't matter to him much. I want to be with someone to whom I matter more"


Does any of this^^ ring true, or possibly true?

What do YOU think YOU should work on, if anything? Are you in counseling?

South, if you can't come up with some real issues to work on, you'll keep scratching the surface and never getting to what truly matters to your wife.

Give her some credit for having depth, and work on connecting with her at that level....the deep one.

Does that^^^ make sense to you?