Keeping it real

[Zues126]

Big break through. I referenced it on a disappearing post but I'm so excited I have to share.

I think I found a level of detachment here. Here's how it happened: I did what's called the 'GOODBYE/HELLO' exercise. Basically you write a goodbye letter to everything you're losing. You reference that when you're down to validate your pain and help process your loss. But then you write a hello letter to everything you're gaining. The new life you're excited about.

What I'm losing/gaining isn't the major breakthrough, but I'll mention it. I'm losing my W, my kids growing up with both parents together, the chance to be married forever to the mother of my children, a lot of faith in love and commitment, my house, part of my income, and a chapter of my life that meant a lot. What I gain is the chance to get my own place and make it mine, to have undivided time with my children, to raise them how I want when they're with me, to have increased income (compared to being sole provider) and a lot of free time to pursue my passions, the chance to grow and find joy on my own, and the chance to meet a woman that has the character and commitment to be a wonderful partner for years to come.

So here's the point. I was nearly a WAH in 2011, went through a MLC and was very frustrated with the M. I didn't walk, although I wasn't a very good H all the time either. But the point is that my coping mechanism was to grit my teeth and tell myself "you can't leave this marriage, marriage is important and real, other women/free time/passions aren't whats important, the marriage will mean more in the long run", etc. I was so terrified I'd screw up by leaving and regretting my decision I was terrified to even LOOK at the other grass in fear it would lure me away.

Well, I still believe what I always said. I DO believe in M, and this isn't the road I wouldn't chosen. However SHE chose this road. And SHE isn't changing her mind anytime soon. So at this point I have given myself complete permission to get excited about my new life.

This doesn't mean I'm not going to keep DBing (or trying to), but I am honestly doing that for ME. I don't believe we will recover from here, and with the exceptions of some natural pain some times I'm pretty ok with that. No, I'm doing this so I am better on my own, in my next R, and so I can look back and know I handled this according to my core beliefs. That is all.

So I'd encourage anyone that needs help detaching to do the goodbye/hello letters, and to give yourself permission to let go and move on.