KGirl - 7 months later...

[KGirl]

labug - yes, since we started dating at 17, we've certainly been through some key time periods (ending high school, college, starting first jobs, etc.) that result in a lot of changes. I guess I had thought that since we made it through a lot of those big milestones and still gravitated towards each other, that it meant we could get through anything... maybe not, though. The rest is still unwritten, to quote Natasha Bedingfield I feel like I've put a lot of work into trying to change in positive, mature ways, and when I see/hear about what he is doing it seems he is regressing in many ways, and it is dissappointing. He has said things along the lines of living under such a mask for many years and not being able to be really "him" when he's been with me, hence why I fear he is discovering himself now and this is the REAL him. And I don't like it, which is scary and sad and other things all at the same time. I had a long chat with a friend today and she made a comment about how it seems like he's been struggling for a long time, maybe as long as I've known him, about his identity and who he "is" as a person (trying to be like friends, for example, or copying their actions/attitudes). I do hope for his sake that he can figure out what his identity is and that it doesn't take him another 10+ years.

rppfl - yes, I feel like I have less of an investment in some ways in sticking around/trying to make it work. I don't feel like "standing" longer than we've actually been married. I'm young enough that I can basically start over. Many acquiantances my age are not even in a long term relationship much less married. And I don't have kids so it's not as if he will still be a part of my life in the future. I could essentially never see him again unless I happen to see him somewhere around town.

Card29 - thank you for your vote of confidence! I really did struggle with the decision to move out because it didn't fit with a lot of what's talked about on here ("stay in the house as long as possible") but given the logistics it wasn't feasible to make him leave, and my mental health and well-being was really stressed to the max continuing to live with him given how he felt about me and that he was making no effort to work with me or end the M. My biggest 180 in regards to H is effectively taking no action - letting him be, not pursuing him. In the past (and we've been through this at least two times, that I can recall anyways) when he's "left" I constantly pursued him, emailed him, begged him to reconsider, told him he was a huge jerk and no one would ever want to date him, turned around and begged some more, etc. Now I'm just letting him be. If I remove myself from the situation and he's still unhappy, I can't be the variable that makes him unhappy, right? For me personally, I've been doing a lot of self-help reading on codependency. I have a very detail-oriented, on-top-of-things personality and am trying hard to be more OK with uncertainty/leaving people to deal with their actions/letting go. It's hard but I am at least aware of it and do make an effort. I have become more of a "yes" person and rarely turn down an invite to do something, whereas before if someone invited me the day-of to do something I'd often say no even if I didn't have plans just out of principle ("Why do they think it's OK to not plan ahead?!"). I am working to be more clear with what I want and need and not expect people to mind-read or assume they'll know what I want. I'm expanding my horizons in different ways - I've taken a class through a community college, tried some new hobbies (meditative drawing, for example), gotten more of a gym routine going, and even took a trip to Las Vegas by myself. I've also taken some actions towards a life without H - I bought a car (H and I had shared a car and at first it was scary to think of doing because it was like I was admitting I wasn't coming back home), got a cat (also scary because H kept our cat and we're not sure that cat gets along with other cats - also implying I wasn't coming back). I basically decided to not wait for him to decide what to do and am acting as if I am not coming home when buying furniture and making other life plans.

Something interesting I learned from my conference last week - there are research studies that show that when boys/young men play a lot of video games, it affects a part of the brain that creates motivation and drive to work towards a goal in real life. Essentially the study concluded that video game playing can lead to a lack of motivation to work towards goals in real life, because it can be easier in some ways in the video game.. or if you're losing, you just turn it off and start over. It also mentioned that men who grow up affected by this appear completely normal and happy and undepressed.. just don't have motivation to work towards things. Couldn't help but think of H who has always been a video gamer and was definitely all about quitting the game and starting over if he was losing because he didn't want that on his record. Kinda hard to just reset a marriage though, right??