Ok, so, the mirrors and all. I completely understand what you are saying. I was the queen and I mean, queen of looking back at what I did and being unable to move past it at times. The guilt I felt was paralyzing. It was soul crushing.
It took a lot of work and that chit was hard. Really hard. I had to face things I did not want to face. I had to remember things I did not want to remember.
But this is what I finally figured out and accepted. I did the best I could with the knowledge and tools I had at the time. If I knew better and was able to do better, I know I would have.
Then I realized that whatever I did or didnt do was never with the intent to hurt or cause harm to my h or my marriage. That mattered to me.
Looking back on all of that is so clear from where you stand now. It wasnt when you were in the thick of it.
The thing about guilt is that it doesnt change anything. The thing about regret is that it keeps you stuck. I know because I lettered in both of them. Trust me on that. Man, I couldnt let that go for the longest time.
Then I looked within. I mean really deep inside. I began to understand that I did what I knew. That doesnt change it either. It just made it clearer.
I learned to only own what I should own and only my stuff. Could I have done better? Ayep. Did I make mistakes? Hellz yea. But I loved him deeply and true. That I know without one doubt.
The real sad thing would be to not learn from the past. Now you know better, so you will do better.
We just do the best we can and hopefully some peace comes from knowing we do.
