3 months after BD, the roller coaster ride hurts

[devotee]

I know the book will help, maybe just me and not the marriage but it's all I can ask for right now.

I want to have a child, either with him or without him. I wanted to have one with him, but I would not do it to make him stay. I'd let him out of any responsibility actually because I want to have a baby for *me*. I know I'd be a great mother. But I also know if he leaves me it will be a long while before I can financially support myself, I'd probably have to go on welfare to have a child. But I'm almost 40 so my time is running out as far as health and childbearing years.