3 months after BD, the roller coaster ride hurts

[devotee]

I will order the book. I need a good read right now.

I'm in a bad place right now I'm actually thinking I need to focus on myself worth and is it right for me to be in a relationship where I am in love with someone and they're not in love with me. Each day goes by and it's a bit of life that we can ever get back and I don't know if it's worth it for me to be wasting this time. I know I should be focusing on myself and making myself better and not consider it a waste of time but I feel that being in a relationship with him and focusing on him is definitely taking one step forward and four steps back. At this point when he goes in his monster mode I feel like everything we've accomplished meant nothing because he just goes back into the same delusions and like he hasn't listened to anything that I have said. He hates my friends and he hates my job and those are two things I can't give up and if our relationship is to work he's going to keep bringing that up and saying it's pointless he can't work around them. Is that a relationship worth having? Will he ever except who I am?
I would love to have some insight from some of the other left behind spouses here who don't have kids but have been in a relationship or married for a long time and are standing but also on the verge of letting go. How do you get through this phase? I guess I mean let go or just give up?
I do feel I've detached some. I don't base my life around him anymore, I go out with my friends as much as I can although I do get guilt trips from him. I was doing really well on working on my codependency before we started connecting again and then I felt myself go back into my clingy love cave with him. So time to get back on track with working on that again. I'm standing because I do believe in marriage and I love the stupid jerk. But I'm also seeing what a vicious circle it is and how he can't get past his delusions and whAt he thinks happened in the past. I am starting to feel that he's using me for sex and for an emotional purge whenever he needs to release it. When he got a bicycle and really loved bicycling with me or skateboarding with me I felt like we were enjoying each other's time and that things were going back to what I thought was a good part of our relationship. He still has his darkness and is still very much alive in his midlife crisis and I know he still has so many demons to deal with. I didn't expect this to be a quick process, it's just all these steps back after what feels like amazing progress are killing me. There's also the child factor, I really want to have a kid and I am almost completely sure he does not so is it time to let him go and look for relationship where I can have a child? And am i stupid to want a child if I'm going to let him go, I will be single and in such a poorly paying job? Is it right to bring a child into the world when I'm not financially stable? I have never felt so lost and so unsure of my future and where I want to go or need to go.