If you can and want to, please help me DB and ignore the other guy for now. im just focused on myself and her.
That's impossible to do, Joli -- he is part of the very fabric of both your past (the three of you, together) and your current (your wife leaving you and having stronger feelings for him) marriage dynamic.
I'm sorry you don't feel like you're getting the support that you need here. To nearly everyone on here, a 3rd person in the marriage is a predator -- not a friend. Some of us are even the current or past victims of an affair, and we still carry the wounds and the scars. I am advising you like I would advise my own little brother, and I suspect others are doing the same -- even if you patch this thing up somehow, you're never going to have a healthy, happy long-term 3-way relationship and you will forever be waiting for this "shoe" to drop again. It is rare rare RARE, and that's WITHOUT some of the other dysfunction you've described to us here.
I don't think "Steve" from Ch. 9 fits your situation -- at all. Judy had no other man in the marriage.
