She wants to be family and friends and a divorce.

[joli83]

Ok so I'm on break for a bit and can write something longer.

I came here looking for support and ways to deal with my anxiety day to day as I follow the DR 7-step plan. With my current 180 based on Steve from chapter 9 of that book I have seen baby steps and softening from my wife.

Unfortunately when I explain my non traditional marriage folks immediately say get rid of my wife's other relationship or file for divorce.

On the first, I do not want to lose my friend. As I have explained he has been one of my loudest cheerleaders through this and has been supportive and caring about getting my W and I back together if we can be happy and healthy. Making my wife who just dropped the DB on me choose between us in some sort of ultimatum is not going to go my way. Almost guaranteed. Shes friendly and wants to see me but has almost 0 interest as far as I can tell in trying at our marriage right now.

Thats leads to number 2. Thats why I'm here. Thats why the DR is my bible right now. Thats why I set up phone counseling through this site. To work on DBing and getting to were we can try to repair and save our marriage. I do not want a divorce.

If you can and want to, please help me DB and ignore the other guy for now. im just focused on myself and her.

[Starsky309]

If you can and want to, please help me DB and ignore the other guy for now. im just focused on myself and her.

That's impossible to do, Joli -- he is part of the very fabric of both your past (the three of you, together) and your current (your wife leaving you and having stronger feelings for him) marriage dynamic.

I'm sorry you don't feel like you're getting the support that you need here. To nearly everyone on here, a 3rd person in the marriage is a predator -- not a friend. Some of us are even the current or past victims of an affair, and we still carry the wounds and the scars. I am advising you like I would advise my own little brother, and I suspect others are doing the same -- even if you patch this thing up somehow, you're never going to have a healthy, happy long-term 3-way relationship and you will forever be waiting for this "shoe" to drop again. It is rare rare RARE, and that's WITHOUT some of the other dysfunction you've described to us here.

I don't think "Steve" from Ch. 9 fits your situation -- at all. Judy had no other man in the marriage.


Starsky

[Dpthght]

Just wanted to say, two of my closest friends have an open relationship with their wives, and they have been married 15+ years to both of them. They did tell me one thing, you only go into that lifestyle if you marriage is strong to begin with. I don't know if yours was strong to begin with (truly) and it is probably best for that to stop ASAP. Granted giving her an ultimatum would only drive her away (most likely).

You need to focus on GAL and 180s as best as you can to focus on yourself and show her the things you can be. IF your W decides she wants to R that lifestyle will be a topic you have heavily explore, just right now isn't the time.

Focus on your kids, that is the best GAL you can do right now. Also exercise and eat better, it helps clear your head and also sleep better. Lay off the sauce as much as possible (if you drink that is). Your wife doesn't want to think of a future with you (neither does mine). What interests did you have before you became M? What are things you have always wanted to do and that you can afford right now?!?

I don't know what other people would say about this, but break off contact with the OM (forgot if you had), nothing good can come of that (especially if you are confiding in him about your W).

Keep posting

[MrBond]

"if I throw an ultimatum out there 7 weeks after BD I will more than likely lose my wife."

You won't.

"Not what I'm going for. If it does come down to him or me for her I would much rather be in a stronger position and not have forced the issue."

Fact is that you are in a strong position but you just don't choose to see it.

"Unfortunately when I explain my non traditional marriage folks immediately say get rid of my wife's other relationship or file for divorce."

Let's clear something up right off the bat. This is not a traditional vs. non-traditional marriage issue. It's a relationship issue. Many people who are in poly relationships throw the "traditional" marriage card back at posters when marriage really isn't the issue.

"On the first, I do not want to lose my friend. As I have explained he has been one of my loudest cheerleaders through this and has been supportive and caring about getting my W and I back together if we can be happy and healthy."

Heard this over and over again also from the poly posters here and elsewhere as if we don't understand. I totally get it. But you can't say that you want your M and yet keep having the guy that your W is interested in around. It's why no-contact is important to break that habit. It's like waving a bottle of alcohol in front of an alcoholic. You don't seem to get that.

"Making my wife who just dropped the DB on me choose between us in some sort of ultimatum is not going to go my way."

Really? Can you see the future? The only thing that's holding you back is your fear. Let me put it to you this way. You keep insisting that you know your W better than anyone else, etc. Bet you didn't know she would fall out of love with you did you?

"Almost guaranteed. Shes friendly and wants to see me but has almost 0 interest as far as I can tell in trying at our marriage right now."

What you have isn't a M. And I'm not talking about in a traditional/non-traditional sense. I'm talking about a trusting sense.

"If you can and want to, please help me DB and ignore the other guy for now. im just focused on myself and her."

You can stay as focused on you and her as hard as you want. But her focus is on the other guy. And again, don't make it as if we don't understand the poly lifestyle, thoughts, etc. All you want to hear are things you agree with. That's not going to get you anywhere. I've found that oftentimes the best advice is the ones we feel strongest against. Your W wants to other guy, she wants him to fill her physically and emotionally. She connects with him and the stronger she pushes away from you, the stronger her connection with him grows. The more she sees him it's like an itch that she feels only the other guy can scratch. Kind of hard to ignore a guy like that.

Oh and for your information, in poly relationships, when there's that third person who says they are the "cheerleader" of the original couple, they're usually the one that slides with the the wife on the sly and plots against the H. Oh and what he's doing is classic control manipulation. He plays the compassionate, caring individual whom both you and your W see as the ultimate great guy. So now you see him as the ultimate friend and she sees him as the ultimate lover who "understands" her more than you.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, I've seen it time and time again with poly relationships here, on other boards and real life.

But hey, it's up to you.

[joli83]

So your advice MrBond is to confront her? demand that their relationship stop, that she come back and work on ours? or no friendship, no family , and divorce papers asap?

im not being sarcastic Im just trying to better understand.

[MrBond]

"So your advice MrBond is to confront her? demand that their relationship stop, that she come back and work on ours? or no friendship, no family , and divorce papers asap?"

Of course not. What I'm saying is that YOU have to understand that there can be no reconciliation unless the OM is out of the picture. You can't demand that they end anything because that would be controlling. You can only take action on things that are within your control. It has to be her choice on her own to come back.

Right now it seems like you're not willing to give up the OM and that both of you are in love with him. You don't FEEL or BELIEVE in the need to break off the relationship with the OM. If he's as concerned as you say he is about your relationship, then if you talked to him about it, he'll back off. But it has to be in a way where he establishes a boundary with your W and tells her that he will not be responsible for the demise of your M and that he has ZERO interest in her. That's why the sharing of your W with him needs to stop.

And just FYI, because of your lifestyle, this cycle does get repeated with different people. There will be times where if there's another woman involved, you could be the one in your W's shoes.