3 months after BD, the roller coaster ride hurts

[devotee]

Well that was the longest "calm happy" phase. The monster awoke today. Morning started fine then he paused a tv show and asked if he mined if we talked. I said fine as long as he didn't berate me. He said he never does that... (?!?!?!?)
Well same old same old blame game. Delusions and made up stories from his side... Him saying I pushed him away, I destroyed the marriage, I stood on his neck and watched him go crazy. The completely untrue story of him saying I slept on the couch for three years, him saying I used him for money, him saying I laughed at him, that I controlled him and didn't let him have friends. He went off again saying I pushed his whole support system away from him. He says he can never be friends with these people again... Yet he doesn't even try. He said I control him and am psycho. I asked him who I wouldn't let him be friends with and he said the EA chick... Um?!?!?Duh!!! Of course he can't be friends with her again!! How could he possibly think any wife would be ok with that?!?! How does that make me controlling??? That's common sense!!

He brought up he still didn't know where we were going. He asked if I considered us still married and I said of course I did. Till death do us part, I still wear my ring every day. He said he didn't consider us married and won't wear his ring. Again he brought up he loved me but won't ever let me back in his heart. I swear this feels pointless. I feel used and stupid thinking he will ever come back to this marriage. He is so good at convincing me he will is his good phases. Once again, I MUST detach. This pain is overwhelming.

He then brought up again that I havent been packing to move out. I said neither has he. Then I stood up and said I'd start packing. He was quiet for a while then started going off again on me. I said I was going into the other room to start packing and he said to pack a backpack since I should leave since I have places to go whereas he does not. I said no.
He turned off the tv and got all pissy. I said I was going to go for a bike ride to clear my head. He stormed out, not sure where he went.

We have MC tomorrow. I'm going to go either way. Not sure he will.