She wants to be family and friends and a divorce.

[joli83]

Yeah its a mess. But Im trying not to focus on him so much as on how to handle her. I did a 180 from our marriage when I started taking care of her and spontaneously being romantic which she admits gets to her and makes her question things if only breifly.
The question is wether this is going to work or if I should be standoffish like almost every bit of advice here says.

[joli83]

Also I have been working on being a better dad and spending more time with my kids which I know affects her.

[SunnyB]

joli, I'm not going to pretend that I understand your situation, I don't. But I believe you have come here looking to save a relationship, just like I did, and I'll share with you two things I learned.

One is that your M as you knew it is over. That was one of the first things someone said to me, but it took a while for that to sink in. For the longest time, I just wanted my life back. I slowly realized that not only was the M I knew over, that was a good thing because I wasn't all that thrilled with it, either. I now have the hope of a new improved life with the same guy, but I also know that may not happen and I'm at peace with it.

Two is that DBing, especially GAL, does YOU a world of good, even if it doesn't repair your R. DBing is not being "standoffish". It's focusing on you, what you need to change about yourself, and leaving your W to figure out what she needs to do without trying to control, pressure, or pursue her. Given enough space, she may figure out that you are in fact a great guy, especially after she sees the changes you are making for yourself. Or she may not. But you are better off than you would have been.

If you haven't already, read DR and DB.

I hope that helps you some. Good luck.

[MrBond]

Just backtracking a little. So you and your W are "poly" is that correct? Does your BF's W know about all of this?

There have been a number of people in your situation that have been on these boards. So don't think you're alone.

[joli83]

Thanks rppfl.
I know my marriage as it was is over and thats actually a good thing I think. Starting over with a new and improved life as you say is definitely my long term goal. I dont want what I had, that led to where we are now.

I'm all for GAL and have been looking into a few new things to do just for me. Money is tight but somethings dont cost much or anything. Its mostly a time thing though as I am now primary parent for 3 kids.

Im trying to figure out if my 180 is something I should continue with addressing the things she said led to the divorce request or if more distance and more of the 37 rules, which seem more like what got me here.

[joli83]

Yes MrBond we are/were. His wife became aware pre BD and it only escalated their divorce. Even though she had WAW on him she felt that any relationship was too early and felt betrayed nevermind the non-traditionalness that she didnt like.

[MrBond]

Okay, so I'm going to be brutally honest here, so I hope you don't take offense.

So your relationship with him contributed to the destruction of his M, and now you're surprised that a guy who has lost everything would "suddenly" play a bigger picture in your relationship with your W and cause her to doubt your M.

All of the poly relationships that come here have the same issue. They introduce a third, fourth or fifth party person into the "marriage" and then they are "shocked" that their spouse is attracted to the new person/people emotionally. This is why marriage is monogamous.

Look, I get that you may feel that people are made to love more than one person, etc. But how does it feel now? It doesn't matter if you're poly or mono. When you are emotionally attached to someone and they shift their attention elsewhere, you will be hurt.

You have a couple of options. Either call it off with your "friend" who is stealing your W because he has lost his family or file for D and find someone else. The gray area approach usually doesn't work with poly relationships because there's always two people in the relationship hiding something from the third wheel. Trust is gone and you will always be on edge wondering if and when your spouse will leave you for the other person. At least in the majority of poly relationships I've seen, this is the case.

Also, in terms of your kids. Your life choice has a tendency to rub off on them. I've seen many people who are children of people from poly relationships who have trust and intimacy issues. Even though it's your choice to live like that, it always ends up being an unwanted choice for the children that they end up taking on.

So do you really want to save your M?

[joli83]

ok well I can see some merit in what you say Mr.Bond if I throw an ultimatum out there 7 weeks after BD I will more than likely lose my wife.
Not what I'm going for. If it does come down to him or me for her I would much rather be in a stronger position and not have forced the issue.

[joli83]

And yes of course I want to save marriage.

[Riley]

Joli,

Focus on improving your relationship with your children, that is one of the better ways to get a WAS to rethink things.

Your situation is like Jodi in the military - well meaning friend takes the girl while the man is deployed. The 3rd wheel needs to be gone in my opinion, it comes down to what you think is right I guess. I believe in traditional marriage btw.