She wants to be family and friends and a divorce.

[MrBond]

Okay, so I'm going to be brutally honest here, so I hope you don't take offense.

So your relationship with him contributed to the destruction of his M, and now you're surprised that a guy who has lost everything would "suddenly" play a bigger picture in your relationship with your W and cause her to doubt your M.

All of the poly relationships that come here have the same issue. They introduce a third, fourth or fifth party person into the "marriage" and then they are "shocked" that their spouse is attracted to the new person/people emotionally. This is why marriage is monogamous.

Look, I get that you may feel that people are made to love more than one person, etc. But how does it feel now? It doesn't matter if you're poly or mono. When you are emotionally attached to someone and they shift their attention elsewhere, you will be hurt.

You have a couple of options. Either call it off with your "friend" who is stealing your W because he has lost his family or file for D and find someone else. The gray area approach usually doesn't work with poly relationships because there's always two people in the relationship hiding something from the third wheel. Trust is gone and you will always be on edge wondering if and when your spouse will leave you for the other person. At least in the majority of poly relationships I've seen, this is the case.

Also, in terms of your kids. Your life choice has a tendency to rub off on them. I've seen many people who are children of people from poly relationships who have trust and intimacy issues. Even though it's your choice to live like that, it always ends up being an unwanted choice for the children that they end up taking on.

So do you really want to save your M?