Update after several months of absence

[trc2009]

I guess this is my current struggle. If there wasn't an OM in the picture, I'd have NO hesitation with giving her as much time and space as she needed without pressuring her to go meet the attorney.

But w/ the OM in the picture, when do I say enough is enough? She wants the independence to do what she wants w/ OM but she obviously isn't in a hurry to end the marriage like she was.

Do I sit around for another month? Hoping things w/ the OM cool off?

I'm not unwilling to forgive the OM (especially since we are clearly separated, divorce is imminent, etc.). People can be redeemed all the time. My father had an affair for an entire year w/ someone about 10 years ago. And even after we all found out, he still continued to see here off and on for several months....thinking all the while that he was right and everyone was wrong. It wasn't until he kind of hit rock bottom when he finally realized how bad he was messing up and how much it devastated all of us....and too his defense, he owned up to it, did the right things by my mother, and today their marriage is as strong as ever. So I know first hand that it can happen.

But it's almost like a person addicted to smoking. Ultimately, it has to be THEIR idea. They have to be the one willing to say enough is enough. No amount of outside pressure will change their habits. If anything, outside pressure makes it worse.

I've read Divorce Busting a few times over the past year and have read the infidelity portion a few times over the last month. The one thing that keeps being repeated is patience. And that you'll think an alien has abducted your spouse. That is so true. My W was the same person for the first 5 years we knew each other that preached to me that an EA is just as bad as a PA. And that she'll never forgive her grandpa for sleeping with other women while he and her grandma were still married, etc. She was a virtuous person and I never once questioned her commitment to the marriage.

Crazy what can happen in less than 10 months. She's had an EA with one person and then a PA with another in less than 10 months.