To DB or not to DB, is it really a question?

[Shakspr]

All very good advice from CaliGuy. You've hurt your W in ways that are difficult for you to grasp and she will never be "over" it. She may forgive you, she may at some point think about taking another look at you but for now, you should proceed in the direction she's leading. Love and respect her enough to let her go, with dignity and grace.

And then dedicate yourself to finding out what drove you to treat your W in that way. What are you so angry about? What is your need to control about? Those answers are inside you and you probably need more than and internet message board to get to them.

Who is the man you want to be?

I don't know yet. But this is forcing me to ask the question in a way I never have before.

I have done things and thought things that I am not proud of before. But I didn't specifically attach them to or project them at my wife. Those demons have been squelched. It would appear, however, that their cousins have better camouflage...I never even knew that they were there.

Why am I so angry, in general? This is just me answering the question, not trying to justify it.

1)I came from no money and a nowhere town in NW Oklahoma, graduated with 18 in my class (public school.) I busted my ass for years to prevent the thing I thought was the biggest problem in my parents' marriage - financial instability. I got married with no debt, a good job, and money in the bank. That evaporated in less than a year.

2) I have changed quite a bit (stuff I haven't related on here, because it's stuff that stuck and isn't part of the current problem), learning to place my family's needs in front of my own, and in my mind, made more adjustments than my wife. It was never enough, for her, and I began to resent that. I had a perception of her requests/complaints/nagging that led to me believing "it's always something." Another custody case, another fight w/ D21, another honey-do, another complaint that we never take a real vacation coupled with a statement that she doesn't like going on vacation with me anyway. That she doesn't know how to and can't be happy.

Why a need to control?

1) I realize that control of my environment or others is an illusion, but self-control isn't a problem. However, when coupled with conflict-avoidance (since so many disagreements with W never resolved), my irritations festered and created a very reactionary tone whenever she brought up yet another desire for me to change or fix something. I have probably accepted that she isn't changing easier than anything (way before any of this stuff happened), but react poorly to her continuing to pick at my flaws. If I'm done arguing about things we disagree about, why can't she just leave it alone?

So, that was pretty free-form and clearly selfish. Might as well drag the ugly out in the open if I am going to do anything about it.