Matt, I don't know that my H feels any more or less guilt than your W. It's impossible for anyone to ever know, besides them and God. She may feel differently than she lets you see. But that doesn't have to affect how you live YOUR life. It really doesn't. But only you can decide that, and be open to seeing it differently. Until then, it will affect you. I can see it hurting you.
We'll drive ourselves crazy trying to attach motives and reasons, because it's all speculation anyway. They don't think like us right now. We don't see the world through their eyes. They don't see it through ours. They just can't right now. They're coping differently. That's why we're supposed to focus on ourselves. We can't fix it. But this time doesn't have to be wasted. I believe this with everything I have.
I journal, I write about conversations, and I naturally wonder what's going on with H. It's part of my process. But I don't stay there as long anymore because it doesn't serve me well. So, now I try my best to let the feeling pass through.
When I track things and listen when H rambles, I can post it here for feedback. If it helps someone, great. If I get advice and a different perspective for me? Even better.
Others here can sift through my junk and point things out that I can't see. In order to learn and grow, I have to be open to their opinions, and choose take them or leave them.
Hang in there, Matt. And really try to hear what the vets are saying. Did you hear about the bacon on the other side????
Well....I received a text this morning, and it shows a pretty good example of the level of blame H is currently at...or..."the new spew."
It's not bad. It's not really at me. But it's still focused outward, of course. It can't be him.
A bit of background, first.
My kids are perfect. Flawless. Ok, I'm kidding. Of course they're not. They're kids, and they're human. I'm trying to convey that I'm not just mom boasting cluelessly about her kids....they certainly have their faults.
My life experience has been with thousands of kids, ranging all across the board of different ages and backgrounds. I am fortunate to have a vast perspective. Based on that, I believe that mine are truly pretty exceptional.
They are kind, respectful, loving, smart, funny, connected....and H fell in love with them easily. They all had their own unique R with him. He used to tell people in many ways, they were the kids he always wanted. Even in recent years, he continued to say this. He used to say D13 was the daughter he never had....awkward, since he has a D19.....
My ILs also commented on my kids, and how impressed they were. Teachers, coaches, other parents from parties, etc. I'm fortunate that they have not once been in any trouble ....knock on wood. I'm very proud of them.
So, when the chit starting going south, many different things were thrown into the blame soup.
My parenting style was different than his. He was more knit-picky regarding the quality of work regarding their chores. I was more concerned with their intent, did they really try their best, and teaching them, "ok, here's where this can improve next time". I didn't want shaming and fear to play into stuff for them. Ever again.
I started to feel H expected unreasonable standards.....professional landscape quality of lawn-care from a 13 year old, as well as professional housecleaning level oops-you-missed-a-speck. I understand teaching and improving, obvious mistakes or oversights. But I began to insert myself when I felt the line of appropriate expectation was crossed into shaming.
H said I was too easy on them. In the last years, H went so far to say they were completely disrespectful, lazy, spent too much time on computer, and I am letting them destroy their lives by not holding them accountable. Wwhhhhaaaatttt???
I now see that was possibly projecting, because my kids are thriving nicely, so far.... while his are struggling, they have a different attitude about life in general, and have many self-destructive behaviors. IMO.
My SIL is a counselor. She knows H well. She used to bring up concerns to me that H could likely be jealous, and she worried about his regrets regarding his kids. I didn't understand then.
I see so many things differently now. I could have handled things much differently. I see now how he was feeling. I was very protective of how my kids were treated. Old baggage, I suppose.
So, after the card exchange, and my no-hug....which was an obvious 180, I got this today:
H: You looked great yesterday. It's hard for me to see you. We could have been so good. But we can't be a couple. There is so many things that can't be undone and I will never forget. I'm not angry but I must force my self to separate away from the things that made me and S21 so miserable.
You know I like kids and am generally good with kids but I no longer will no longer consider anyone with kids under their roof after what I went through. Never again. I feel very taken advantage of and I can't go that road again. Again I'm not mad anymore.... It just is and those are my boundaries.
(He is famous for saying, "it is what it is". I always hated that, seemed like a cop-out to me.)
Hmmm. Spinning, spinning, spinning.... I'm out the way .
I remember coming on here, and wanting to find commonalities in behaviors and conversations, until I could figure this out.
I still can't figure this out. Which means...I may be figuring this out. Right?
.
