Hi Mach, Umm, why is what she doing the "right" thing or "wrong" just because it's different than my plan? Well, for starters it is wrong to take more than your share in any situation. In a community property state it should be very cut and dry 50/50. That includes EVERYTHING. To her anything that we acquired during the time that I was the only one working should be 50/50 (or better towards her) and anything we acquired in the time since she went back to work should be ALL hers. Not only doesn't it make sense, it goes against the law. I do get that what you are saying is that this is the way she see's things, I just don't think any "rational" person would. (And I know she's not rational but isn't her lawyer at least rational enough to tell her that she is out of line?)
Is it really ...wrong ?
No, it isn't wrong...
Is it fair ?
Who said life was fair... ??
You are attaching emotion, to inanimate objects.
Her Lawyer ??
Works FOR her, same as your does for you. She says to attack, and her Lawyer attacks...
You say to attack, and yours attacks for you...
Rational ? A Lawyer ? Really ????
: )
Originally Posted By: Matt165
I would agree that the one thing different is that I'm not living there except for the fact that, even now, she says it wasn't as much me as it was that it wasn't "happy" where we lived. Of course that is what she says and that is meaningless so....(nor am I hurt by it any longer. If she really can't see how hard I worked for her, how much I tried in our M, that's on her!)
And you believe everything that she says....
The one thing different is you....yes
With you, and I see it here, is that you expect...
You expect fairness, you expect certain behaviors from her, you expect your Marriage to succeed, no matter how much or how little work you put in.
And when those expectations fail, there is judgement on her because they failed....
You show it here, so I'm sure you show her....
And when you show judgement, you show superiority, as in you are so much better than her, because YOU did it differently...
And don't argue, because you show it here....
YOU may not see it, because your way is the only way that you see things...
And that is okay, right up until YOU choose to see things from all sides....
Black and White is a good cookie, just not always the best way to see life....
And certainly not what DBing is about...
She is trying to figure out who the hell she is, without you in the picture. So she IS gonna recreate that life without you, to see what the cause is...
That is what MLC is....
Originally Posted By: Matt165
I'm so dang sick and tired of her "feelings" and the fact that they are more important than facts, what's best for her kids (yes, this is how I see it but it's also the way most people would see things), that as soon as they change everything changes with them. I'm sick of her "feelings" being hurt by this or that or that because she "feels" depressed/anxious she should be given slack because she is "sick" so it's not her fault. I have lived with a person ruled by her "feelings" for years and now I have no choice but to deal with her and try to keep as much as I can of what I worked for for the last 20 years.
And here is the rub...
YOUR hurt, YOUR feelings, YOUR possessions....
You are acting out of hurt, and fear. Which allows you to make emotional decisions....
Originally Posted By: Matt165
What I'm doing is trying to NOT be a victim here at least where the D is concerned. If she gets to keep all she has already taken AND the house, along with the fact that she gets to have D14 going to school a mile away while I have to drive 30 miles, I will be a victim! My plan for my future involves whether or not I get to keep my house. If I do I'm going to fix it up and make it my own. We let it go for years because W wanted to move so badly so we figured why put the money or effort into it? Well, if it's now "mine" I will put that effort in. If I can only live there until D14 is out of HS, I'm not doing squat to it to improve it.
It's not working....you are playing the victim very well...
Originally Posted By: Matt165
I will say this. I have come up with a plan over the last 2 days. If my W has to cash in her retirements and pay for all the antiques she says are "morally" hers, it's a wash at the value of the house as is. Not to mention she has our barn filled with her crap that she has collected over the years or that she brought with her when we got M. Stuff she hasn't looked at in years. She will need to store that stuff somewhere or get rid of it. As of now she just thinks that she can leave it there at least for the next 4 years. The only advantage she gets is that she thinks that I will take the offer because I won't need to rent a place like her. That and the fact that she screws with my life some more.
So you are doing this to intentionally "hurt" her ???
Originally Posted By: Matt165
I guess what it boils down to is I don't want to be a victim. If I let her have her way like this I will be. I will have NOTHING to show for the last 20 years of work and sacrifice (except a good relationship with my Daughters). It just sticks in my crawl when she complains about how hard it is. I had to keep everything going while I was the only one working and making a lot less than she is now. Not only that I had just as many bills AND two kids in private school. She never understood how hard that was and now that she is on her own she is feeling the same stress I felt for 15 years, half of that time with her so "depressed" she didn't help out much at all in any way. I'm really losing any feelings of concern or empathy towards my W seeing what she is pushing in the D settlement. The fact that she really expects me to "roll over" and just do what she wants also bugs me. At this point I need to just hold my ground and do what I "feel" is best and whatever she "feels" be damned.
Damn all hell when YOUR expectations don't work out eh ???
Punish her at all costs ???
That is what I am talking about above....
Your way is superior, so pass judgment and punishment....
You are not the judge, jury, and executioner....
Originally Posted By: Matt165
You are right, Mach, I have been feeling like a victim. I don't want that any longer and step one is to fight for what I think is right. Time to take away any power that W has over me at all. If she wants to live the way she is now forever, so be it. I, for one, plan on making a better life away from a depressive S who thinks throwing away the last 26 years is the key to a life of happiness and "joy". Thanks for hitting me upside the head. I needed it!
You may want to wait on that thanks...
Cause you missed the point of my last post to you....
