Update after several months of absence

[trc2009]

I've done a very good job of "don't ask, don't tell" for a while now. We're at this weird point where I don't know if she wants us to start the dissolution or she's just waiting to see how things go. As far as I know, she's still seeing the OM but again, I don't ask therefore I don't know (honestly don't care that much considering I've been casually seeing someone as well (although stayed true to the marriage vows)).

She hasn't come out and asked "when do you want to go see the attorney?" Honestly, if she did I'm not sure how I'd respond. Part of me would like to say "as soon as humanly possible so we can get this over with." The other part of me would like to say, "if you still feel like it's our only option, then I'll support that." Then there's still a small part of me that would like to say "I to see if we can work things out."

I asked her about whether or not she wanted to see our attorney to get the process started about a month ago (we went and saw her two months ago when we first separated to discuss our options so we've already been once before). She seemed very ready and said that she wanted to see what her work schedule was like first. Well, that's been a month ago.

She makes small comments about it, but never just comes out and asks. We had an insurance claim that's been pending on one of our cars for a while now and the check came to her. She made the comment, "do we just want to split this check?...that way we can use it to pay our share of the attorney." Then she made the comment a few days ago after she went and got a new car (to replace the one that was totaled) and she made sure she went out of her way to say "they asked me how much I was going to be getting in child support but I wasn't sure.....but I said $400."

Those two comments are LITERALLY the only times she's mentioned seeing an attorney or anything alluding to a divorce over the last four weeks. Part of me just wishes she'd quit beating around the bush and just make the damn appointment so we can move forward.

She seemed so certain that this is what she wanted a couple of months ago. I'll be honest, I've been a d.b'ing machine since then. It may be working, it may not. I certainly haven't been flawless and there have been moments of weakness, but I've put on the strongest, most confident front than you can imagine over that time (fortunately, it's not completely a front. I've been way more strong and confident over this last month or two than I've been in nearly a year of this crap).

Strange. Any advice or thoughts on how to interpret this? Or should I just let a sleeping dog lie on this one, let her initiate anything involving an attorney/divorce, and just continue living my life as if? I think I know the answer, but it seems so strange to have a person so certain that she wanted a divorce (and as quickly as possible) to drag her feet like this. After we met with the attorney a couple of months ago, she seemed pissed at me that I told her I wanted a little time to let the dust settle. The last time we had a full-on discussion about a divorce was 8/17. At that time I told her that I was ready to move forward if she was and made that PERFECTLY clear.

WAS's are strange creatures.